I let my blog go into disrepair for some time and realized that after reading about abandoned blogs elsewhere, mine was quickly falling into that category. It was eery to come here and see the blank picture images where my child's and father's pictures used to be and not having the technical wherewithal or energy to do much about it. I've always thought of this as my 'infertility blog' and could never quite move beyond that, but quite frankly, I could still wax poetical for a lifetime on this very subject. I am still living it. As others who are not 'fertility challenged' are moving on to their 2nd child, I do not even have the luxury of forming the concept. Life is making that so. A life that is lovely and blessed, but challenging. So, in short, I have been absent not for lack of content, but for lack of emotional energy. People, I'm spent.
We can all pinpoint times in our lives when we have been put to the test, spread too thin, bent almost to the breaking point, and this is one of mine. But unlike other times in my life when this was so, now I have more resources to handle it, both internal and external. It saves me from meeting that breaking point, but it doesn't necessarily make the ride significantly easier. Luckily, at this point, it is not the relationships in my life that suffer. For that I am so, so, so grateful. It is purely time and finances and the endless clock that ticks counting down the last minutes of my Mother's life and what is left of my dwindling fertility up against a pocketbook that cannot keep up with the days and months that steal away possibilities. With all of this, it is becoming harder and harder to juggle expectations and priorities. I know Mr. S feels it, too.
We find respite where we can. In the few minutes at the end of the day and in our time with little G, who is just amazing beyond my comprehension. He is so smart and witty and the biggest bright light in our lives. I know this would all be so much harder without him and I still can't believe my amazing fortune in the addition of him to my world. I remember in the summer of 2009 driving to a job a town away, placing my hand on my quickly growing belly and crying in joy and disbelief that it was actually happening. He's almost 2 years old, and I still think that way. I am still in awe. Anything can happen. The story is not over. I hold onto that hope, just as I did two years ago and boy does it get me through.
I can tell you this much: I have been better, but I have been far worse (and lived to tell about it) and am certain that this too shall pass.
