Monday, February 9, 2009

City Times and IVF

Great success! I have not yet gone officially bat shit crazy. No shaving my head, no running down the street naked singing show tunes (good news for the general public). In fact, after a few days on the Looneypron, my workload and mood swings simultaneously subsided, leaving me to suspect life circumstances as a major contributing factor. I am now on day 3 of stims and so far, so good. At least as far as the side effects go (I don't notice any except for a little cramping/bloating). Luckily, I found a way to get in some relaxing activity this weekend in order to counteract any mood induced states waiting for me on the horizon.

Mr. S. and I, accompanied by our dog, escaped to San Francisco (a town that we visit often but never tire of). While there, I had a productive and wonderfully relaxing acupuncture appointment and as I suspected, my 'gut' may be hindering my fertility and causing some auto-immune issues. What can I say? If fried foods and candy are the devil, then I am having a diabolical love affair. I often enter a double edged sword territory when I'm stressed, because this is the time I both crave these foods and also have the most trouble digesting them. So, after my wonderful appointment during which my liver was more or less described as the unwitting victim of my lifestyle choices, I proceeded to pour a mixture of cupcakes, martinis, sweet potato fries, and calamari down my throat that evening. It was quite simply, divine. I will say though that this was my last hurrah until I either receive a BFN or deliver a child. My money is obviously heavily on the last one, but if the former were to occur, Mama needs to start fitting back into her pants again for heaven's sake.

It is still surreal to think that I am in the middle of an IVF cycle. Of course the multiple daily shots help bring me into this reality, but all the years I have spent on this ride have consisted of futile attempts to not go 'all the way'. I was walking around first base preserving my IVF virginity for longer than should have been tolerated. If IF were my boyfriend, he would have dumped my ass long ago, but hey, everyone needs to get to where they're going in their own way. Consider me deflowered.

Now here I am and I am astounded at how negative I am. I mean, I'm no glass-is-half-full type of girl to begin with, but I believe no less than:

1. This IVF will not be successful. BFN-already predicted here.
2. This medication will do little to jump start my ovaries into producing a quality or quantity worthy of this effort.
3. And in fact, I will never have a child of my own.

Do any of these beliefs have any basis in reality or even history? Well, as is often the case with my illogic-prone brain, not really. Of course, any one of them is a possibility, but I have gone beyond this and have already embraced them as my reality. I just can't possibly imagine becoming pregnant again or at most, actually delivering a child. This vision has been completely wiped clean in my brain. So you can imagine what an act of futility this IVF feels like. Not exactly a message of hope I realize, but it is what it is. This is so telling of how long I've been on this journey, how many years of failure I've been met with.

If this cycle is unsuccessful, I will be taking a break because I'm finally realizing that I should have done so before embarking on it. I have been in consistent treatment since October, completing 3 IUIs and 1 IVF in the span of 4 months and quite frankly, I'm exhausted. I thought it would be good to keep with the forward movement but if this one is yet another failure, I think I will need time to lick my wounds.


Sarang said...

GORGEOUS photo of Luke gazing out to sea with GG Bridge in background. Breathtaking~~~

Shelby, I'm glad the meds side effects are diminishing or your stress factors are being reduced or a combo of both.

I am praying for your miracle. And I hope you hang tight to some hope. Know we are all hoping for a BFP for you!

'Murgdan' said...

I'm no ray of ovarian sunshine, either...but I'm holding out the same 50/50 hope that everyone deserves during an IVF cycle for you my friend....

(hugs) And good job staying sane.

Michelle said...

It is so hard to stay positive when going through all this crap! I think you have been doing a pretty good job considering all that has been going on.

san francisco looks so beautiful. I am glad you went and had a good time!

Hang in there!

Tara said...

Chin up, buttercup. It could work. And if not, then a break - both physically and mentally will be nice. I'm going to hold out hope for you.

I Believe in Miracles said...

It's hard to stay positive when there is SO much uncertainty. My positivity happened post transfer, but until then I was super skeptical, trying to be positive, but worrying.

The trip to SF sounds like fun and the picture is awesome.

I'm hopeful for you!!!


Anonymous said...

The trip sounds need fun in your life (don't we all?). Cynicism feels much safer than hope, doesn't it? I'm holding out hope for you, as are others. Just do what you need to do to get through.

Nikki said...

I'm glad you had a good trip to SF, and were able to unwind a little. Glad also that the meds are creating havoc in you!

Good luck for this cycle - like Sarang, I too am praying for you, and hope this cycle is all you need to get your dream fulfilled. Hugs to you!

Lost in Space said...

Hugs, Shelby. I wish some part of this process could be "easy".

I completely understand already preparing for "if" the cycle fails. I have been there (and am there) too. I've gone into these things both ways - 100% sure it would work and 100% sure it would fail. Luckily our thoughts really have no control over the outcome. Feel what you need to protect your heart and let us hold the hope for you that this cycle could be your wildest dream coming true.

We are here for you every step of the way. Hang in there....

Another Dreamer said...

I don't think any of us are rays of sunshine, but I will have faith for you.

Good luck with everything. Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

I hope you won't have to take that break. But if you do, it will be a good thing all around.

I am glad you got a bit of an escape this weekend.

I have been thinking of you and hope you are doing ok.

courtney said...

I think this is it. I'm praying this is it for you.
Good luck this cycle... and good luck keeping your spirits up! Keep us posted!

MamaSoon said...

I vote for 'delivering a child'. I get the negative spirit. There have been others who went in it with this attitude and come out triumphant! Here's to you!

And I just realized that my dandelion look is a lot like yours. I never noticed before. :-)`

Martha said...

Big ((Hugs)) Best Wishes, fingers crossed. Good for you for recharging in S.F.

banditgirl said...

Oh Shel, this is so heartbreaking, to read about your gut feelings about the possible outcomes of your first IVF. I feel differently somehow. I feel very strongly that it will work. This is completely different than IUIs, they have more control and they will make that eggsperm date happen no matter what! I know that at the same time things can go awry, but just remember that they have more control over those two guys (more) meeting up than when they are just shooting up in the air, so to speak. I am so thinking of you everyday and will even more next week. As they say in German, I am pressing my thumbs for you and they are bright red from being pressed so hardcore.
How awesome to go that beautiful beach spot in SF! Is that Baker Beach? The beach always relaxes me, even when I am in my most crazy-looney mode. Amazingly powerful.

Anonymous said...

Oohhh, looks like Chrissy Field or Fort Mason, just beautiful. That view always makes me feel better.

I'm sorry you're not feeling overly hopeful. Maybe you can feel some small pangs of hope along the way as you get closer.

I have hope FOR you, and I'm glad the stims aren't too bad so far. Hang in there!