City Times and IVF

Great success! I have not yet gone officially bat shit crazy. No shaving my head, no running down the street naked singing show tunes (good news for the general public). In fact, after a few days on the Looneypron, my workload and mood swings simultaneously subsided, leaving me to suspect life circumstances as a major contributing factor. I am now on day 3 of stims and so far, so good. At least as far as the side effects go (I don't notice any except for a little cramping/bloating). Luckily, I found a way to get in some relaxing activity this weekend in order to counteract any mood induced states waiting for me on the horizon.

Mr. S. and I, accompanied by our dog, escaped to San Francisco (a town that we visit often but never tire of). While there, I had a productive and wonderfully relaxing acupuncture appointment and as I suspected, my 'gut' may be hindering my fertility and causing some auto-immune issues. What can I say? If fried foods and candy are the devil, then I am having a diabolical love affair. I often enter a double edged sword territory when I'm stressed, because this is the time I both crave these foods and also have the most trouble digesting them. So, after my wonderful appointment during which my liver was more or less described as the unwitting victim of my lifestyle choices, I proceeded to pour a mixture of cupcakes, martinis, sweet potato fries, and calamari down my throat that evening. It was quite simply, divine. I will say though that this was my last hurrah until I either receive a BFN or deliver a child. My money is obviously heavily on the last one, but if the former were to occur, Mama needs to start fitting back into her pants again for heaven's sake.

It is still surreal to think that I am in the middle of an IVF cycle. Of course the multiple daily shots help bring me into this reality, but all the years I have spent on this ride have consisted of futile attempts to not go 'all the way'. I was walking around first base preserving my IVF virginity for longer than should have been tolerated. If IF were my boyfriend, he would have dumped my ass long ago, but hey, everyone needs to get to where they're going in their own way. Consider me deflowered.

Now here I am and I am astounded at how negative I am. I mean, I'm no glass-is-half-full type of girl to begin with, but I believe no less than:

1. This IVF will not be successful. BFN-already predicted here.
2. This medication will do little to jump start my ovaries into producing a quality or quantity worthy of this effort.
3. And in fact, I will never have a child of my own.

Do any of these beliefs have any basis in reality or even history? Well, as is often the case with my illogic-prone brain, not really. Of course, any one of them is a possibility, but I have gone beyond this and have already embraced them as my reality. I just can't possibly imagine becoming pregnant again or at most, actually delivering a child. This vision has been completely wiped clean in my brain. So you can imagine what an act of futility this IVF feels like. Not exactly a message of hope I realize, but it is what it is. This is so telling of how long I've been on this journey, how many years of failure I've been met with.

If this cycle is unsuccessful, I will be taking a break because I'm finally realizing that I should have done so before embarking on it. I have been in consistent treatment since October, completing 3 IUIs and 1 IVF in the span of 4 months and quite frankly, I'm exhausted. I thought it would be good to keep with the forward movement but if this one is yet another failure, I think I will need time to lick my wounds.