Thursday, August 5, 2010

Still Alive...and kicking!

Yes, it's true. I still live, albeit in a very busy and usually exhausted state, but I am very much still here and keeping up with most people's journeys in my reader.  I'm just a pitiful commenter.  Oh, and how do you like my latest comments? That's right. You probably didn't know it, but I'm big in the Chinese porn community.  I'm a multi-faceted lady over here. Infertility, Chinese porn. They go hand-in-hand, really.

I have a gazillion things I could moan and whine and bitch and complain about, but at the same time, I have just as many if not more things to be thankful for (the title of this post being one of them).  I have always thought of myself as someone whose luck has never existed on a middle ground. I am either immensly lucky or immensly unlucky.  And that's where I am right now. As I enjoy the aspects of my life that were brought to me through amazing fortune (husband, baby, health, friends, family), I am suffering through other elements that are so very opposite of these (but I won't list them as I promised I would not moan and whine and bitch and complain). That's my life in a nutshell. No happy mediums for this girl, but I suppose if that's how I get the extreme highs, then I'll make my way through the lows somehow.

Lately I've been finding myself on my clinic's and RESOLVE's facebook pages more often than I find myself on friend's pages, which made me realize I need to return here.  I feel like there is just so much work to be done in the fight for infertility education, support and medical coverage and for so long I have felt the need to be a part of that fight.  I just wonder how I might accomplish this. I have thought about doing a peer led support group with others and I have also thought about volunteering for RESOLVE, but between my baby and work and my Mother and a possible move and dental work (and, ya know, actually attempting to have real human contact with my husband and friends--oh, and sleep), I am at such a loss for time that its just something that must be put on the back burner for now.  But I keep it in my heart constantly and know that one day I will be involved in some way.

And for some reason I've been reading about others trying for #2 lately, but I certainly don't feel as if this influx of discussion is a sign that the time is near for me. I suppose I am torn, but not incredibly so. On one hand I feel the clock is ticking. None of us are getting any younger. As I age, I also pay embie storage fees that add up over time. However, on the much larger hand, I can't begin to imagine approaching treatment this soon. I feel like I'm still reeling from the years of treatment that I endured and just now beginning to enjoy the fact that my body is my own.  There have been no needle marks on this body for over a year and for that I feel spoiled.  We also have no idea where we'll land as far as where to live (same town, different house), are still paying for our first IVF, and quite frankly having a baby is hard work. Doing treatment and/or being pregnant in concert with baby raising sounds like a nightmare to me.

And most importantly, this is G's time to be a baby. I want that time to be untouched-to be all his own, to be smothered with all the love and attention he can muster.  At this point in time, I would not want my pursuit for something that may never happen to interfere.  So obviously my mind is made up, for now. But then again, the clock is still ticking...

And yet, even with that question of 'when' lingering in my mind again, I am, for the first time in my life, living for today. For this moment. And damn it feels good.

11 comments:

The Swann's said...

Love seeing you post! {I am horrible at remembering passwords and thus can't access your other blog...}

I too felt such a strong desire to do more for the IF community, always have but especially now since we're pregnant I want every women I know via IRL or blog world who is struggling with IF to experience this, all of this!

I'm so very pleased to hear that baby G and you and DH are all doing wonderful and that life doesn't get too hectic for you in the possible move...

mybumpyjourney said...

IF and Chinese porn DON'T go hand in hand? LOL. Glad to see you on here again. I too am horrible at remembering PWP stuff. :/
I think you are right in living your life right now with Baby G and enjoying it. You feel good- that is what this whole journey is about right?
{{HUGS}}

佳陳容 said...

Seeing is believing.百聞不如一見............................................................

偉曹琬 said...

心中醒,口中說,紙上作,不從身上習過,皆無用也。..................................................

Another Dreamer said...

Good to hear from you again! Was wondering how things have been :)

Yeah, the Chinese porn spam is nuts. I have comment moderation on to thwart it... I still have to regret one to two a post though. Ungh. You already have two on this post, lol.

Enjoy the time you have right now.

Ashley said...

It's hard, huh? I never imagined parenting would be this difficult, time-consuming, and exhausting, but oh is it worth every second! I'm so blessed by our little guys and even still the support we received during our treatments. Life is busy but grand!

瑋洪洪洪洪洪婷 said...

路過~很有趣吶...............................................................

Sarang said...

Good to see you posting again, Sista!

I truly think we need to start up a support group with our other IF Sisters some day...it would be the best group ever! We would totally know how to do it.

I love the living for today, for this moment sentiment at the end of this post. I am doing more and more of this, too, and you're right, it just feels so, so good.

See you in a few weeks! Big hugs.

316 said...

河水永遠是相同的,可是每一剎那又都是新的。..................................................

佳張張張張燕張張張張張 said...

吾錯吾錯...我平時都好鐘意用呢d~而家學多好多~thx+0+......................................................

石JaquelynS_Whitesi白 said...

學而時習之,不亦樂乎˙ω˙............................................................