Monday, March 2, 2009

100

Welcome to post #100! There was a point in time when I first started blogging last July that I was having to restrain myself from posting multiple times a day. I mean, it was getting ridiculous, folks. I actually began thinking in 'blog' speak. Part of the reason for gratuitous posting was that I had the summer off to dilly and dally as I pleased (yes, now I envy myself for it) and the other part was that I had a lot to get off my chest. Now, 100 posts, a fantastic on-line IF community and an amazing group of real-life IF friends later, and I no longer feel as compelled.

This is not to say that I don't need and value my blog, but that I have processed so much emotion related to IF since then that while I still have more to say, the words don't come as urgently, or rather, the need comes in waves and is no longer the unending stream it once was. Nevertheless, I still need you, my beautiful blog and I still need you, my beautiful on-line buddies. Days like today remind me of this.

I've also been quiet lately because this has effectively been the most trying, mind-f%$*ing 2 week wait I have ever experienced. Every day that has pushed on since my transfer has made me feel more and more like I am completely losing my grip on hope. Not just hope for this cycle, but for all future cycles. Obviously this is not a new concept for me. Since the beginning of getting out 'the big guns', I've felt increasingly hopeless and I long to move on from that feeling, in one way or another.

I know what has made me feel this way: infertility. I am infertile. Even after almost 5 years, after 1,000 conversations discussing it, that statement still has the power to jar something deep in my chest. And my infertility has taught me to always expect the fall...too well. And there is nothing like day-after-day of prodding and sticking and pills and measuring and lab coats and bruises to make you feel so...ill. And to make you feel as if there is no cure. And then, at the end, all of the blood, sweat and tears, all of your hopes and dreams rest on one little blood test and no matter how much you try to will those beautiful embryos to grow and to stay, and no matter how much you've set the stage, they do what they will. I am powerless.

When I did my first IUI, I was pretty damn convinced that it was going to work. How I long for that initial naivete. Even if it makes the fall harder at the end, it will at least soften some of the edges of my steely jaded exterior. I sit, bracing myself, expecting the worst and no longer hoping for the best. I hate that. While I always intellectually grasped the very real and likely outcome of my first IVF failing, I never realized how terrifying that would be to face until I stood at the door, waiting for it to approach.

19 comments:

My Reality said...

I know these feelings all too well.

Hoping for you.

Suzanne said...

This was a good post because it rings so true to so many of us. The feelings you are experiencing, while completely unfair, are normal (but at this point, what is normal?) I also felt like my first IVF cycle would work and was completely devastating when it failed. I had the same feelings of powerlessness. I guess it doesn't help that I'm a complete control freak.

Congrats on Post #100. I'm thinking of you during these final 2WW days.

luna said...

the 2ww is such a beast!

happy 100, shelby!

Nikki said...

Its just so unfair that we end up coming to this bitter hopeless state where we can't even hold on to hope anymore.

You're doing wonderfully well - given the circumstances. Hang in there, girl. When you can't hope, we will do it for you.

I'm having one of my "feelings" for you - and I hope it's true. Good luck!!

Martha said...

Sorry for the loss of hope, I will keep some in my heart for you.
((Hugs))

'Murgdan' said...

Congrats on the big 100! And...two week waits SUCK. I'm on the edge of my seat waiting for the end of yours.

Cassandra said...

Happy 100!

Post every hour, if it helps you get through the 2WW. Anything it takes.

Lorraine said...

Congratulations on making it to the triple digits!

And I guess I'm being naive for you - those little rock stars just looked so perfect. So, I'll hold out hope for you and expect the best. It's so much easier to do that for someone else, and I would so love to be right about this!

courtney said...

Don't worry about being negative, just be yourself. That's why we read and comment, we can only be ourselves here.
You're great and I'm praying for a good outcome here.
Let's get you good and knocked up! (and all of us too of course!)

itsazooaroundhere said...

I'm sorry this is so hard. Happy 100th post, and I am sending positive thoughts and hopes for you, no matter which way the test goes.

(((hugs)))

babyinterrupted said...

I can truly relate. My 2ww is still a few weeks away, but I'm already beginning many of the feelings you write about. I'll be hoping for the best for you. And happy 100 posts!

Guera! said...

So true.. saying "I am infertile" jars me to the core as well. Your post was so relevant and timely. Happy 100th post!

banditgirl said...

However sad and negative this post was, it was a really helpful post to me. I could totally relate to those feelings, even though I haven't tried IVF (yet) (but I'm sure it's not gonna take too long to lose my IVF-virginity, as you called it wittily, Shelby). I really feel your pain. And I don't know what to say, excpet encourage you to write, talk, vent about it, when you need to. What else can one do? It's like the most intense thing. I also, like Nikki, am feeling something really good about this one. I can't foresee the future, but I feel very hopeful and will continue doing that, even when you can't.

Michelle said...

I am hoping for you. Congrats on post #100!

I nominated you for the Honest Scrap Award.

Nikki said...

BTW - I nominated you for an award. Details on my blog.

Another Dreamer said...

Good luck, fingers crossed!

Happy 100th post :)

Sarang said...

I am in this half anxious mode for you...hoping, waiting, hoping.

I so hope you only have to go through this once, Shelby.

But, IF, for some reason your journey continues a little longer, I know you have it in you (and we know from our IF sister now in her 10th week that multiple tries CAN work).

But, again, please God, just this once for Shelby, okay?

The Swann's said...

Hoping and wishing and dreaming and waiting and praying for and with you!!!!!!!!

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