Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Silenced

First of all, sorry for not keeping up with commenting/reading on your blogs. Life/work has been a little bit crazy. So begins my saga...

Often silence from me signifies bad things (or possibly laziness). That's how this initial silence began. Last Tuesday night, I began cramping and spotting. Fearing the worst and yet still hoping for the best, I was finally met with one gush of bright red blood and immediately I knew it was all over. The wait for my beta or peeing on a stick would be unnecessary. I was in tears by the time I left the bathroom and I spent the night holding Mr. S in the midst of yet another bone crushing failure. I couldn't possibly begin to tell anyone at that point in time. I was too saddened to form words.

That was the last of the bright red blood. What followed was more cramping and spotting that began to subside and eventually, disappeared. Still, amidst my confusion I resumed my normal caffeine habit, prepared myself for plan B and awaited AF.

Fast forward to Friday night. One of my best friends was to arrive in town. Her sole purpose: to help me drink so much I would be floating by the end of the night and not even remember what IVF stands for, but then her flight was delayed by three hours. By then, all cramping and spotting had disappeared. I hadn't POAS and the beta was scheduled for the following morning, so I decided with the extra wait time to buy a few pee sticks and finally put this wait to rest. This would allow me to start drowning myself in Mr. Margarita a day early and also to see my negative right there in the flesh without audience participation. So, before Mr. S arrived home, I peed on that god forsaken stick to mark my final farewell to IVF #1 and within 30 seconds I saw:

Pregnant.

Yeah, right. Surely the 'not' must've gotten clouded by the excess of my super beta-free urine. So, I chugged several glasses of lemonade and by the time Mr. S got back home, it appeared again:

Pregnant.

Still, a girl with a history such as mine is not prone to wild, fanciful thoughts of onesies and nursery patterns at this point. I've seen it before and have no baby to show for it, and surely the cramping and blood couldn't have been a sign of good things to come, right? Saturday morning came and my doctor called with shocking news. The beta was 190 and the progesterone was 56.4. Shocking because I was not expecting those numbers. At all. Apparently my estrogen was so high she instructed me to discontinue the E.strace altogether. Now, these sound like great numbers, but it's even more significant to me when you consider what my numbers looked like almost a year prior during a pregnancy that struggled for weeks to stick. My beta at that time was below 20 (they never gave me the exact number but indicated I 'might' be pregnant), with a progesterone level of 9.4. While everything eventually doubled and the progesterone slowly rose to 'low normal' levels, it was ominous to begin with. This is not to say that numbers dictate everything. People with the lowest of betas can still see their way to a healthy baby and alternatively, people with seemingly great numbers can be met with loss. Nevertheless, my latest results were heartening.

And the little bleeding/spotting/cramping? The doctor said that she secretly likes when people call with those complaints before the beta as it is often a sign that things are going right rather than wrong. I did cramp quite a lot with my last pregnancy during 'implantation' (and had actually believed that AF was on her way then, too), but no matter how brief, I wasn't expecting the gush of red blood. I swear, just when I thought I was an IF master, I keep learning something new.

So the follow-up beta was 573. Tripled. Doc cautioned me that it could be a single or twins, but obviously you can't jump to conclusions based on numbers alone. Hey, I'll take what I can get. So here I sit, pregnant again, now silent from trying to process everything and trying to throw caution to the wind and just be happy in this moment. But the truth is, I'm terrified. I must exist these next few weeks on faith alone. I want this so, so badly and can't imagine the possibility of life after yet another loss. But as my doctor said, at least I'm in the game and for that, I am grateful.

29 comments:

babyinterrupted said...

Congratulations!! How scary to begin with - and how amazing, to get the good news. Delighted for you. And I'll be continuing to hope for all the best.

Another Dreamer said...

Big (*HUGS*) Congrats! Stick baby/babies, stick!

Peta-maree said...

Congratulations. I hope that every stays on track. I have everything crossed for you.

Jendeis said...

Not to sound like a complete f*ckwit, but OH MY STARS AND GARTERS!!!! Wishing, hoping and praying that things continue to go well.

Lorraine said...

I'm just going to second the stars and garters thing. I mean, wow!

Lots of good thoughts for you and your Mr. S., too!

Nikki said...

Congrats Shelby! Good luck and I hope everything continues to be on track!

Just Caz said...

I cant imagine how hard that would have been.
As I moved down the screen and saw pregnant... pregnant..
and I thought OMG could this be true for her..

And then it was..
And i'm hoping and praying for you and your lil miracle.

'Murgdan' said...

Oh wow :-) I'm so glad you're in the game. I can imagine the next few weeks of watching and waiting will be hard, but your numbers sound GREAT and I'm so happy you've made it this far...and can't wait till you've made it even farther!!!!

The Swann's said...

YIPPEE!!!!!!!!!! Congrats Shelby!!!!!! :-) Oh, I hope you enjoy every single second of this pregnancy and I cannot wait to hear all about your first ultrasound!!!

I was reading and re-reading to make sure I read correctly thru tears! Streaming tears down my cheecks. Just SOOOO excited for you!!!!!

Just Me. said...

I'm sorry I haven't been around cuz been having a few personal stuff going on but holy cow! Just when I thought I better catch up with my fav bloggy girls, and yours made me scream, WOO-HOO!

congrats!!!! Amazing feeling and day.

xoxoxo.

Me said...

Congrats and best wishes for continued good news!

Suzanne said...

OMG! Congratulations! When you didn't post for a few days, I was fearing the worst.

This is such great news - YAY!

MamaSoon said...

I am so happy for you. Congratulations. I can't wait to see more good news from you soon.

Hopeful said...

I've been following your blog for a while and though I have not sent you any comments, I just wanted to say..Congratulations! I wish you the best of luck.

itsazooaroundhere said...

Oh,oh,oh!!!! I'm so excited!! I was worried when you weren't posting, but I just had this feeling that it was because things were good.

I'm sorry for the scare and the bleeding - I would have thought the same thing.

Your bfp is giving me so much hope for my upcoming cycle. I'm sending every positive thought there is that everything continues strong and healthy. Yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I Believe in Miracles said...

I was so worried as I started reading the post.... but YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! oh what a great great result on the pee stick. What fabulous, fabulous news. I'm so excited. And awesome betas. Keep us posted.
u/s date???

~~HUGS~~~

Tara said...

AWESOME! I hope this is the one for you.

Michelle said...

Congratulations! I know how terrifying it can be. Take it one day at a time. I will be keeping you in my thoughts and wishing nothing but the best for you, you deserve it. YAY I am excited!

c by the sea said...

breathe.
enjoy.
hope.

congrats! sending good ju ju your way :)

Karen said...

Congratulations! I can't wait to hear more happy news from you!

astral said...

I was reading and hoping that AF wasn't coming--oh no!-- and then I read "Pregnant" and Yay!!! I'm crossing everything I've got for you!!

My Reality said...

Such great news!!!

Martha said...

I'm so happy for you! In the game indeed. Please take good care, best wishes for a wonderful U/S and Happy, Healthy Pregnancy.

Sarang said...

Shelby, I love this for you! This was some of the most (and I have to borrow from our other M-sis now) "fuckfantastic" pieces of news!!

I DO hope you can really savor it right now. You had so much worry going into the IVF and now look at you...so totally "in the game" now. I hope these next weeks can be a peaceful and joyful time for you.

I will be cheering each week for you...just as I do our other IF sisters!

I absolutely LOVE this miracle for you!!

Girl, if it is twins, you NEVER have to go through IF treatment again. Can you imagine?

Cassandra said...

Hooray! Congrats!

I'm very close to where you are -- surprise BFP, 2 high betas, waiting for the U/S.

Best of luck!!!

Lost in Space said...

Congrats, Shelby!! I really am so thrilled for you. I can imagine you are scared, but know we are here to hold your hand through it all. Hang in there, sweetie.

A n T said...

Here from LFCA: Congrats! Great BETA numbers!!

Kat470 said...

I was searching for IVF blogs and found yours. So happy for your BFP. Congrats. :-D I'm gearing up for my first IVF and I hope I'm as lucky. :-D
www.iwannabeamommy.wordpress.com

Sticks and Stims said...

Nikki sent me. First, congratulations!!!

I am doing my 3rd full IVF - two prior chemical pregnancies - and I have not tested positive yet - I am 7dp3dt or 10dpo and I had a splash of bright red blood -now I am having some cramping, which during my other two losses signified bad things - you have given me hope, thank you.

I hope that you continue to get good news!