Monday, June 29, 2009

A Year

Mentioned: Loss, PG

So much can happen in a year. This is probably the most cliche statement that can ever be made in the ALI blogosphere. As we approach 4th of July this Saturday, I am reminded of what I was doing in 2008.

This time last year, it had been two weeks since we miscarried. I was off work for the summer and was finding that the people in my life were dealing with my loss in very, very different ways. Some comforted me with flowers and cards, which I adored, and others, well, they decided to comfort me by telling me that "it's so common!" and "I had an abortion at 18, so I know exactly what you're going through" and my all time favorite, "at least you didn't lose a pet or a family member". Then, there was the de-invite.

Perhaps I'm making a bigger deal out of this than what it really was, but you know how it is when you're at your absolute lowest and then the smallest of kicks feels like a guttural punch? Well that's how this felt. I made the decision to not let myself drown in isolation. After sitting alone in my pajamas since my D&C, I got a last minute invite from an acquaintance to attend a 4th of July BBQ. Knowing that the hostess' pregnant friend would be there, I didn't immediately respond (waited a day or so), but then eventually decided that I had to face life again. It wasn't an easy decision, but I made it with every last shred of courage I could gather. Only after I accepted her invitation, she never responded back. Emails, phone calls and a text went unanswered. I spent most of my 4th sitting alone as Mr. S. slept and just sitting here, remembering how it was to feel as if I had hit the bottom makes my heart sink. I was infertile, had failed my only chance at motherhood in 4 years and now, I was unwanted. I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone.

My guess is that she decided against my presence because it was too awkward. She knew about the miscarriage and had not spoken a word about it to me. No sorry, no lame platitudes to make me feel better. I don't think that she committed the gravest of sins, it was just the place I was in magnified it. She eventually called the next day and said that her phone was broken. I think I've seen her once since, but that's not the point. She has now come to represent a place I never want to return to, a place far from where I'll be on this 4th of July.

As I sit here a year later, marveling from the latest of this little one's increasingly strong karate moves to my stomach, I am not just counting a successful cycle amongst the changes this year has brought, but I'm also counting all of you. At this time last year, I had never read an ALI blog. I had never met someone who had openly battled infertility or loss and I had never stepped foot into an infertility support group. I was alone, in every sense of the word. As I celebrate the 4th this year with two of my new IF friends, I feel anything but alone. I have spent this last year surrounded by a warm circle of the type of support I never imagined existed and for that I thank you. What a difference a year makes.


Sarang said...

Having you in my life, M-Sis, has made me feel a warm circle of support, too. Thank you in return.

I am so glad this 4th of July holiday will be so much better than last year. You deserve buckets and buckets of happiness! Hee, I wish I could hang with you and your IF friends, that's my kind of party. :)

Happy 4th and here's to an even better year for you to come. Much love.

Another Dreamer said...

You're so right, what a difference. I am so glad that this 4th is going to be better for you, surrounded by good friends and love. Enjoy it hun!

'Murgdan' said...

A year does change things. Immensely. Even for those of us who aren't pregnant...because this time last year I was still having s-e-x and thinking it would work.

So glad this year has brought your bigger and better and more meaningful things. :-)

looking4#3 said...

Stumbled on your blog through Stirrup Queens. I just had a M/C with a D & C last week. Your blog gives me some hope. Hope I can't find on my own. Thanks for sharing your story---I hope to be where you are someday and giving someone else that same hope!!!

Astrid said...

This is the first time I've come to your blog. And while I'm in the throes of IF dispair, i am inspired by your story. Congratulations! I'm about to go to a July 4 party w/ friends who have an 11 month old. I had a m/c in January and long story short, just now got a negative HCG reading. So begins a long wait to ttc again but hopefully my July 4 2010 post will be not unlike yours.

annacyclopedia said...

This is a great post - I always find it so satisfying to look back and see how much has changed in a year. Like you, I got pregnant this past year and that is, naturally, the biggest change. But even without that admittedly huge piece, so many things have changed in my life and in my heart that I can't help but be grateful for all of it. I'm so glad you found community and understanding here in blogland and that you no longer feel alone, and I'm sure that your writing your story here has helped so many others find that, too.

Here from the Roundup.

Shelby said...

I am so glad that I can be any source of hope for anyone. We know that the big 'h' word can sometimes be in short supply for many of us. Keep linking in to this community and you'll find it pop up in more places than you realized! That's how I've gotten through the past year...

Thanks for stopping by!