Dangling Decisions

The last time I posted, we were dangling between decisions, still considering adoption to add to our family, but thrown a curve ball after a meeting with our RE who strongly suggested we try another fresh IVF. Unlike the days before our son when the direction of treatment was clear (the outcome was not), this time we are more than battle-worn. I feel like I've existed in this spot forever, pouring money into doctor's pockets, being poked and prodded, falling head-on into heartbreak. There is a hesitance to move forward that had never existed pre-baby. But the yearning to add a child to our family is still hungry. I'm just less sure how this will come to be.

This time a few months ago, Mr. S was hell-bent on adopting our second...until the doctor reignited the possibility of Baby G, part II. And then all at once we realized: should an IVF fail, we will have lost out on thousands and thousands of dollars (which is not to be scoffed at), but will we have permanently lost out on the chance to still add to our family? Not necessarily. While the money piece will have stopped us at that point, who's to say we couldn't save the money and try adoption further down the road? It will still be an option, but it will take time (and far more discipline than we have now) to recover that money. But unlike biology, adoption does not necessarily have an age cut-off (well, so to speak). We're 34. If we needed 5 years to recover the money to go down that road, sure G would be a lot older and the age difference would be less than ideal, but we would still be well within an age bracket where becoming new parents wasn't completely out of the question. As we've all been taught in this ALI existence, "You must give up the life you planned in order to have the life that is waiting for you.” If becoming a parent the second time around is something we want badly enough, it will happen, one way or the other. I'm just not clear yet on what way that will be.  And as you can see, we don't have the means to do both. This is an either/or scenario.

And at once I also realized that a final IVF would be necessary--to heal. Whether we become parents by those means or not, I need this to close those doors. That question of "what if" would absolutely drive itself into my thoughts in the future more often than I would anticipate, I think. After that, I will have an extraordinarily expensive peace of mind...or a child. While I'd prefer the latter, I must take and accept what I'm given. This is what IF has taught me to do.

Recently I was faced with a slew of pregnancy and birth announcements and while having G dulled the ache for awhile, it seems that my feelings of envy (yes, it's ugly, but I'm calling it what it is) are stronger than at any point in time since he was born. I want that back. I'm going to be absolutely honest. While pregnancy is truly a blink of an eye in the experience of having a child, it was one of the happiest times of my life. Sure, I was filled with terror as I had so much to lose, but the anticipation, the healing in feeling as if my body was finally doing what it should, the magic of giving birth, it was something at one point I never thought I would experience, so I lived in a state of overwhelming gratitude every day.  I still can't believe that I was lucky enough to have it all happen and to have this perfect little person in my life.  If I had a second child, would I be guaranteed that experience? Absolutely not. I know as well as anyone that nothing is ever how we plan it to be. Not here, not in this space. I had a smooth pregnancy and delivery. I'm not naive enough to think that another pregnancy would necessarily mirror that. But it would be lovely to have the opportunity to try at least.

When the doctor suggested we go the IVF route again, I had closed that possibility down in my mind until then, but when she opened it back up, a flashback of everything that I loved about having G came rushing back to me. Is it all about the pregnancy or giving birth? No. It's also about the fact that we've had so much heartbreak in the last few years, that if we could make any process in our lives at this point more simplified, then we will. Now, I would weather a thousand more storms for my child or children without hesitation, including going through the wait of being selected by a birthmother, paperwork, legal wait times, etc., but if there's any possibility of becoming parents again without this, then I'll take it. It's not that I won't one day jump at that chance or that joining a family through adoption is any lesser in my eyes, it's just simpler and my heart needs that right now. 

I'm not silly enough to think that four years and many FSH points later that this will be successful. Quite honestly, if we had to convert to an IUI because of too few follicles, I'd be extremely disappointed, but not surprised. But, again, I'd kick myself for not trying. 

So, there it is. For now, we've decided to go the IVF route...again. I'd also kick myself for not losing a few pounds and ditching the insane caffeine habit I've developed again, so we're going to give it a few months before we jump in. This will be a huge sacrifice financially for us, but the outcome could possibly be well worth it.