Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Taking it Back

There is nothing quite like infertility that can make you feel out of control of a world that you thought you had mastered. America and all of its seemingly endless opportunities intensifies this feeling of mastery. We have had presidents who came from modest single parent homes only to find themselves as leaders of the free world, immigrants who arrived with little more than the clothes on their back who built empires. If these stories don't breed the idea that your destiny is right in your own hands, I don't know what does. If there is anywhere in the world where you can create yourself and achieve exactly what you want, this is the spot.  Right here, right now.

Except, that is, if you're infertile.

This topic of lacking control because of infertility is not a new one, but it's becoming more prominent in my own life. You see, I'm a card carrying member of the hyperfocused-on-the-future, super goal-oriented club. Education, career, house, even friends and a spouse can be found given the right effort (and maybe a little luck-I'll grant that one). You can shape your dream life if you're up for the challenge. And quite honestly, this had worked in my favor most of the time. 

Reaching my goals was never an easy process. There were always roadblocks and delays, but I knew that if I kept getting up every morning, dusting myself off and moving ahead, even if it was at a snail's pace, I would get to where I was going eventually. Dreams unrealized or taken away could be found again. I named the place and I found a way there. This ultimately misled me into thinking that everything was like this. Yup, I had a handle on all this life stuff; I was a pro, until I no longer was. I guess for some, babies don't fit into the equation as smoothly.

Infertility promptly erased those driver's seat illusions. There came a point when the molding of my life was so obviously out of my hands with regard to family building, no matter how hard I worked.  Education, career, marriage...an incomplete sentence left dangling and no amount of high achieving, future focus could make that right. When finally we were lucky enough (and yes, this one was more by way of luck then blood, sweat and tears) to have a child, the 'ren' that I had originally envisioned on the end of that word was left off and perhaps might always be.  And I've learned too well, there's only so much I can do about it. 

Now, the line that separates where my real power exists has blurred.  I've been so overcome by this lack of control that I experience with infertility that I let it bleed into other areas that were actually well under my control. The feeling of helplessness is a contagion, spreading like wildfire to my weight, the food I put into my body, my health, my finances, my time, my focus.  I let it all go, stopped trying and feigned apathy and I'm tired of living like that. Infertility is enough of an unknown for me to create more pitfalls willingly. I think it may just be time that I take all the rest back.

I've been here before and yet where to begin is still just as confusing and daunting as ever. But I'm ready. W.eight W.atchers, budgeting, meal planning, exercise. Slowly, with help, these areas I've let slip will fall into some sort of manageable place. I don't expect miracles, but I do at least expect to show that I still have the power to make change somewhere in my life.

1 comment:

AnotherDreamer said...

"The feeling of helplessness is a contagion, spreading like wildfire to my weight, the food I put into my body, my health, my finances, my time, my focus. I let it all go, stopped trying and feigned apathy and I'm tired of living like that."

I could have written those exact words myself at one point (*hugs*) Best wishes on taking it back. I believe that you can make the changes you want.