Monday, January 12, 2009

No Stranger to Failure

At least not now. To be honest, although my life has never been a walk in the park for a number of reasons, I had never been met with such back-to-back defeat until I met infertility. Even when I was a mediocre student actress at best, I was good enough so that constant rejection was not in my repertoire, but it came once in awhile. Eventually I got a part, and all of the auditions that I suffered through after which I did not see my name on the final cast list became worth it. In fact, that slice of pie was that much sweeter the more times I'd been denied it. I looked around at the stars of my school who were almost always guaranteed a part and wondered if they were just as grateful as I was to be up on that stage. Infertility is no different.

The reason why I bring this up is because of yet another BFN I received today. It's funny how the mixture of hope and a history of failure can produce the simultaneous reaction of being both surprised and not surprised by that negative. I'm surprised because the odds had never been better on an IUI for us. We got pregnant from 3 follicles and 5 mil pre-wash sperm before and this time, 4 follicles and 100+ pre-wash sperm over the course of two days still couldn't do the trick. But then I'm not surprised because that would fall too neatly into place for me to have my very last IUI work, sparing us the expense and effort of IVF. It just doesn't work out that way for me. If I were not a glass half empty kind of girl before, I sure am now.

Nowadays, I just don't expect that much from life. In my early twenties, I still lived with the delusions that I could somehow make it to that white picket fence life I had always dreamed of as a child. I pictured my children on a bright green lawn hard at play, coming into a house full of laughter and serenity. In the middle of just trying to make it through, that vision has long since dissipated from my view. I have that kind of home to give, but no one to give it to. And being someone who has always lived years in the future, and thus has a hard time staying in the now, I am leaping to conclusions. If these IVFs don't work, what then? We have decided that adoption will be our next step and although it is a daunting prospect emotionally, the most difficult part of it is this: my God, how long will that take? Will I wait another 5 years for my life to begin? Will I ever learn how to love my life in the mean time? All questions that cross my mind on a daily basis.

I'm no stranger to failure. Most of us aren't. But as I cross the stage to get my IUI diploma, I'm hoping not to become too familiar with the next road because I know the last one backwards and forwards and for me, it leads nowhere.

17 comments:

Nikki said...

I'm sorry Shelby. No other words - just sorry.

Another Dreamer said...

Shelby, I am so sorry. The plateau is daunting, no doubt. I hope the IVF works.

Sarang said...

My heart is with you. I am so very sorry.

For what it's worth, you are a true joy in my life. I am so grateful to know you, but am sorry it is under these circumstances.

You are beautiful, strong, smart and funny. And you will make a wonderful mom some day.

I just wish that road could be shorter.

Michelle said...

My heart breaks for you. I am so sorry. I wish it could be better for you and you didn't have to go through this but as you know you are not alone. we are all here hoping and praying that you will have your dreams come true someday...soon. ((HUGS))

'Murgdan' said...

Arrrrgggh. Dammit.

Cassandra said...

I'm so sorry about the negative. I hope that IVF #1 is successful!

Greg and Heather said...

Oh my gosh that made me cry! I know that feeling of expecting the negative! And I too live in the future and wonder what if!!! I guess all we can do is just strive to find some positvity in it all...as hard as that is ...

Thinking of you!

itsazooaroundhere said...

Oh, I'm so sorry about the BFN. Damn. I was hoping you wouldn't have to move on to IVF.

Sometimes when I feel so frustrated and impatient, my therapist will repeat to me that "I will be a mom. Someday and somehow, and it might take a while, but it WILL happen". And it will happen for you. I hope sooner, rather than later!

chicklet said...

Ugh, they just suck dont' they? Fuck.

projectkjetil said...

Ouch. So so sorry.

Guera! said...

I am very sorry. (((Hugs)))

Lorraine said...

I'm sorry it didn't work, even with the good odds. I know how disheartening it can be to sift through another BFN, wondering about all the what-ifs. But I do think it will be that much sweeter for you when you get there.

Now that you are on to IVF, there is hope anew - what goes on in the lab can solve a lot of problems. I am excited for you, and I will send more good wishes your way.

Just Me. said...

I'm so sorry, Shelby. I know sorry doesn't cut it cuz having your heart broken again and again just sucks.

I'll be praying that your resolution comes very soon.

((((hugs))))

Darya said...

I'm so sorry Shelby. Reading your words felt like they were flowing out of my own mouth. Every thought is so familiar, unfortunately.

(((HUGS))) I hope IVF is your answer and you have your miracle soon.

Lost in Space said...

I'm so sorry, Shelby. I know how scary and overwhelming it is to take the next step into IVF land and I wish you didn't have to know this too.

I can so relate to wondering when my "real" life will begin. It is the one where our kids have play dates while I get to chat with the other moms, the one where we cheer at soccer games and become obnoxious while trying to take pictures at a dance recital. So much to look forward to, but so unsure it will ever be a reality right now.

Hang in there and know that we are all cheering you on through your IVF cycle. We've got your back every step of the way. Many hugs.

banditgirl said...

Shelby, you *will* be a fuckfantastic mom. I can't tell you exactly when, but you will. And I have a feeling 2009 will be a really good year--one of our sistas just got pregnant with IVF, how could that not be a good sign? Until then, I am glad you can continue imbibing some (read: many) alcoholic beverages with us, at least next Saturday.

astral said...

I am sorry. It's so hard when you want something so badly and have no control over it.