At least not now. To be honest, although my life has never been a walk in the park for a number of reasons, I had never been met with such back-to-back defeat until I met infertility. Even when I was a mediocre student actress at best, I was good enough so that constant rejection was not in my repertoire, but it came once in awhile. Eventually I got a part, and all of the auditions that I suffered through after which I did not see my name on the final cast list became worth it. In fact, that slice of pie was that much sweeter the more times I'd been denied it. I looked around at the stars of my school who were almost always guaranteed a part and wondered if they were just as grateful as I was to be up on that stage. Infertility is no different.
The reason why I bring this up is because of yet another BFN I received today. It's funny how the mixture of hope and a history of failure can produce the simultaneous reaction of being both surprised and not surprised by that negative. I'm surprised because the odds had never been better on an IUI for us. We got pregnant from 3 follicles and 5 mil pre-wash sperm before and this time, 4 follicles and 100+ pre-wash sperm over the course of two days still couldn't do the trick. But then I'm not surprised because that would fall too neatly into place for me to have my very last IUI work, sparing us the expense and effort of IVF. It just doesn't work out that way for me. If I were not a glass half empty kind of girl before, I sure am now.
Nowadays, I just don't expect that much from life. In my early twenties, I still lived with the delusions that I could somehow make it to that white picket fence life I had always dreamed of as a child. I pictured my children on a bright green lawn hard at play, coming into a house full of laughter and serenity. In the middle of just trying to make it through, that vision has long since dissipated from my view. I have that kind of home to give, but no one to give it to. And being someone who has always lived years in the future, and thus has a hard time staying in the now, I am leaping to conclusions. If these IVFs don't work, what then? We have decided that adoption will be our next step and although it is a daunting prospect emotionally, the most difficult part of it is this: my God, how long will that take? Will I wait another 5 years for my life to begin? Will I ever learn how to love my life in the mean time? All questions that cross my mind on a daily basis.
I'm no stranger to failure. Most of us aren't. But as I cross the stage to get my IUI diploma, I'm hoping not to become too familiar with the next road because I know the last one backwards and forwards and for me, it leads nowhere.