Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Grateful

This post mentions: PG

The nursery is painted, the window treatments are up and the rug has been laid. Even the baby clothes we have purchased so far have been hung. This is the first signs in that room that someone new will join us in three months' time and although this reminder is visible and tangible--I can walk in and see it all, feel him kicking against my ribs, after 5 years of waiting, I still can't quite fathom that perhaps my dreams are finally about to come true.

My guess is, a man starved for years on end will have a harder time believing in that steak dinner promised him than a man with an already full belly. In that sense, I have been starving for years and so I still feel out of place preparing for something that feels surreal. I am that starving man, sitting around a table with those well fed and mimicing their movements, placing a napkin in my lap carefully, as if receiving a meal is common place to me. In some ways, it feels absurd. All of the niceties we encounter each day, such as repeating how 'excited' we are, feel so trivial in the shadow of what's really going on for us and especially of what has already gone on for us. Little do most people know the level at which my longing for that ultimate meal resides, especially when it has been handed to them at their request.

I recall when Mr. S. and I were dieting (something we will need to return to shortly and mostly, desperately). We would reward ourselves at the end of the calorie-deprived, gym crawling week with one 'cheat' meal and I will tell you this: food had never tasted so divine. This is the nature of my pregnancy and the eventual arrival of our guy thus far.

Despite the ongoing anxieties and the inner turmoil over being infertile, yet pregnant, and the guilt over leaving others behind, I have been able to cherish most moments of this pregnancy. I might have complained about morning sickness, but I secretly delighted in running to the bathroom, knowing it likely meant he was getting stronger. I have had almost every symptom under the sun: heartburn, constant nose bleeds, increased acne (my personal 'glow'), headaches, sinus problems, gingivitis, fatigue, bloating, (TMI coming, much to Mr. S's chagrin) terrible gas, leg cramps, vericose veins, back pain, sciatica, among many others, and I have honestly LOVED every one of them (but still never gave up the opportunity to feign complaining, of course).

I adore learning his patterns of movements, the way he almost without fail goes nuts kicking a minute or two after I awaken. It's the best 'good morning' I've ever received. I wouldn't trade his little hiccups or his wiggles or his immediate reaction to loud conversation (especially when there's a high pitched female in the room) for anything and Mr. S. and I quite frequently find ourselves standing in Baby G's mostly empty room, just staring. To think, there will be a little person in that room in a few months, a little person we already love so deeply, beyond what I can grasp. I am still in awe. I will always be in awe.

7 comments:

Just Me. said...

Reading this brings up so many memories for me when I was pg last year. And I can only imagine just how excited you must be.

Yeah, I agree with you, I will always be in awe.

Barefoot said...

I feel the same way.....I'll good-naturedly grumble, but every little symptom makes me happy. And the kicking....just so cool.

Glad to hear that everything's going so well for you guys!!

Martha said...

Such a beautiful, sweet post, Shelby. Thank you for sharing your joys and trials. Yes, you are so right, even 14 1/2 years later, I am still in awe of my sons.

Another Dreamer said...

What a beautiful post, so well said.

Bon said...

I like your starving man analogy. I feel that way right now also. Except, I don't have the belly so it's even more unbelieveable. Hopefully the sonogram will help with that, but it comes and goes.

I had a similar experience with girl friends. I've come to the conclusion that I have some toxic friends and it's been better to move on.

Sarang said...

Oh, the picture you painted having to mimic placing the napkin in your lap made me wish it was YOU at the head of the dinner table!

It is happening for you!
And that is such a beautiful thing.

Much love.

itsazooaroundhere said...

This is such a beautiful post, and totally describes how I feel right now, too. I am so happy for you both, and can't wait to hear about your adventures with little man!!