Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Sad

I am surrounded by good news and other people's hope. It should wash over me like a contagion and I should revel in the fact that new life is being celebrated everywhere I turn. Except that I am not in the mood to celebrate. Not anymore.

It turns out that it wasn't a lab error. Today effectively marks the culmination of all BFNs I could possibly gather in my hypothetical future for there will be no other attempts, at least not in the biological sense. I officially have diminished ovarian reserve. Today, I mourn.

I am no longer at a borderline stage. It took my body less than a year, from May 2012 to March 2013 to more than double my FSH and my AMH is being measured at less than a quarter of what it was last year.  My values look like those of a woman ten years my senior. Obviously the change was so dramatic that my doctor assumed a lab error.  I knew better. I think I always did.

I could wax poetical about the intricacies of what I feel, talking about grief and loss in stages and details, but I think I'll take a cue from my son who states it plainly enough. I am sad. I am just sad.

It feels like I'm lugging around a 50 pound heart, one that is so tender to the touch that any movement I make hurts. But I must move, as I have this past year, but damn, it's hard. I'm just tired of feeling so battered all the time. Loss after loss, every time I try to get up and brush myself off, I'm knocked down again.  

In just a little over two months time, a second unfulfilled due date will pass and no one will notice but me.  And knowing that that child was my last chance, truly my last chance, it will not pass easily. And yes, I have the ultimate trump card-a living child. I am beyond blessed to have him, but still I hurt. I am sad. I am just sad.

11 comments:

Aaryn said...

I'm so very sorry...I don't know loss, but I hope you find the strength to continue on...

myroseamongthorns.blogspot.com

AnotherDreamer said...

I am so sorry Shelby (*hugs*) My heart hurts for you.

Lorraine said...

Well, crap. Of course it's so much better to have all of this happen after G, but losing hope is bad no matter where you start. It's not as if everyone tells first-time infertiles that they should just be happy to have two arms and two legs and stop complaining about unfairness.

I know you'll be fine in the long run, but I'm so sorry that the short run sucks. Lots of sweet wishes to you.

cheryllookingforward said...

I'm thinking about you a lot. I'm so sorry.

banditgirl said...

Shelby, I am so sorry. I am so sorry.

luna said...

so sorry. that's a tough pill to swallow. wishing you some peace and strength for whatever may be on the horizon.

Claudia said...

Oh no, shelly, I'm so very very sorry to hear this. G or no G, this is incredibly sad. Don't feel like you have to be less sad because of him. Sending you love.

astral said...

I am so sorry for your news. I think it is ok to mourn over what has happened. I'm sending you lots of love and light!

awomanmyage said...

I am a firm believer for just taking to your bed (if it was indeed at all possible) and just be sad for a bit. It's okay. And then your son will make you smile and you'll get up and go on. Wishing you peace.

Chickenpig said...

A 50 lb heart sums up the feeling perfectly. :( I have living children, but the one that isn't living weighs me down with sadness. I know that the 50 lb weigh shrinks over time, but it still doesn't stop it from hurting today. Thinking of you.

Sara said...

Ugh. I passed through that last day of hope too, and it was hard. I'm so sorry.