S blogged recently about an article that asked the question: Is having a child a rational decision? Well, most anyone who has gone through the hellfires of infertility and especially treatment can attest that no, it most certainly is not. There is just no way that you can logically explain why a human being would rake their heart, body and bank account over the coals, sink needles into their abdomen, play with crazy-making hormones and endure the inhumanity of everyone and their grandma looking up their lady bits just for a chance at more body-breaking, bank account draining 'bliss' (better known as parenting). No, that's not logical. So, when my doctor asked (as she has a few times over), "why do you want a second?", it took me a moment to verbalize anything that didn't sound like a YA-inspired fairytale. I wanted to sound...logical. But the truth is, I can't.
So, how do I explain to myself why I would put us through this again without logic? This post is my attempt to do that.
My doctor assumed that having a second was to give G a sibling as that's what most of her patients say. Quite honestly, that is a nice, neat and simple thing and is probably the most 'logical' reasoning I could dream up. And it's true. I want him to have that, especially given my difficulty as an only child. But the other truth is, I want a second child because I just...do. I'm not sure there's a language that depicts it. It feels like a force, like instinct, like the desperation to breathe when you're holding your breath, except that even that can be logically explained. Having a child cannot. It is not for my own survival. I will live on without another. But the best way I can explain it is that someone is missing here. This picture is not yet complete. It seems that there should be another mouth to feed, another set of arms wrapped around my leg. I am overwhelmed by life's demands and I want more.
I tried to state it clearly to her that I wanted to be someone else's mother. Perhaps that didn't come across as convincing, but if not that, then what would? Isn't it interesting that this question, or rather, this requirement to logically explain the decision to have kids is usually only directed at infertiles? Have you ever heard anyone corner a fertile at a party requesting why they want another kid? (not that I've had this happen, but it's frequently suggested that perhaps I should just be happy with what I have...) It is as if because we must go an extra mile (or 20), we must justify our efforts to others. (to which I would say, in my most poetic prose, "suck it.")
Motherhood has and will always be the hardest, most frustrating and confusing (and that's not just the TTC part!) and absolutely best thing I've ever done. I always knew it would be, so when it came time to drain my bank account and sink those needles into myself, it felt almost...logical. Today, it feels even more logical because I know exactly what can become of it.