F* You, Infertility

I've spent almost the last year (more if you count pregnancy) floating in a state of happy non-treatment. I cannot tell you how freeing and normalizing it felt to distance myself from anything that resembled a needle or a clinic waiting room or stirrups or two week waits so that when I sat in front of my RE today, I was surprised to be so completely reminded.

I'm infertile. Oh, yeah. I almost forgot.

I mean, I didn't really almost forget, but the sick feeling of dysfunction, the overwhelming costs and treatment plans, the slippery grip on hope feeling like I may be getting back on this treadmill for nothing, well, it all came back again.  

And suddenly my plans to organize Fuck Infertility Vegas 2011 (see below, especially if you're interested in joining us) took on a new meaning, new life. This visit breathed new fire into my hatred for infertility and all that it has robbed from me and my bloggy/real life friends. I was reminded that this is what it feels like to be infertile. It was nice to pretend that it didn't exist for a moment, but this afternoon was my return.  I remembered life before my dream came true and although logic may convince others that we have a shot at a second child given the success of our first IVF, the years before little G dominate and convince me that it's likely all for naught and at once I'm defeated again.

Damn you, infertility. No, fuck you infertility.

Don't get me wrong. I am not defeated in the way I once was. I am over the top blessed with Little G, but this post is not about what is but about the memories and the mark they left on my heart. And the mark they continue to carve into the hearts of those I care about. My years of infertility taught me to think in such a specific, cautious, and even negative way.  And it is such a wretched feeling to sit in that chair again. 

You're probably wondering what brought us back to the clinic. #2? Well, yes, but not yet. I had no intentions of returning so soon (and trust me, I feel that almost 2 years is quite soon), but we recently met our high deductible on our new insurance and diagnostics are covered 80% until December 31st, so this is just about getting that over with to get more bang for our buck for future use.  I'm not sure when that will be. We have two frozens--1 shot before we must return to discussion of a possible fresh and I recently learned that my Mother started menopause in her late 30's, so as far as I'm concerned, that clock truly is ticking.

In the mean time, I invite all of you pomegranate string-wearing, infertility-fighting lovely ladies to join me and my infertility sisterhood peeps in Vegas this Spring. We haven't nailed down a date yet, but late March is looking likely. Hate infertility? Let's toast! Loathe big needles full of progesterone in your bum? Put a few dollar bills in that Australian stripper guys thong.
Yeah, it's going to be that kind of trip. And you, my friend, are invited.**

**(more details to come)

PS For those that have requested access to my private blog...I'm sorry! I'm a spaz! I totally lost the login. I'll find it somewhere. I could use that therapy hour right about now...

I am breaking the silence as 1364 on October 15th

iamtheface.org is a project that brings together those who have experienced miscarriage, infant loss and still birth to break the silence regarding these often taboo subjects in honor of today, October 15th, pregnancy and infant loss awareness day. Please light a candle at 7 PM tonight to remember all of us who have been touched by loss. I will do so in honor of my friends, bloggy and real life, and in honor of my angel baby, due 1/6/09. I will never forget that date.

Still Alive...and kicking!

Yes, it's true. I still live, albeit in a very busy and usually exhausted state, but I am very much still here and keeping up with most people's journeys in my reader.  I'm just a pitiful commenter.  Oh, and how do you like my latest comments? That's right. You probably didn't know it, but I'm big in the Chinese porn community.  I'm a multi-faceted lady over here. Infertility, Chinese porn. They go hand-in-hand, really.

I have a gazillion things I could moan and whine and bitch and complain about, but at the same time, I have just as many if not more things to be thankful for (the title of this post being one of them).  I have always thought of myself as someone whose luck has never existed on a middle ground. I am either immensly lucky or immensly unlucky.  And that's where I am right now. As I enjoy the aspects of my life that were brought to me through amazing fortune (husband, baby, health, friends, family), I am suffering through other elements that are so very opposite of these (but I won't list them as I promised I would not moan and whine and bitch and complain). That's my life in a nutshell. No happy mediums for this girl, but I suppose if that's how I get the extreme highs, then I'll make my way through the lows somehow.

Lately I've been finding myself on my clinic's and RESOLVE's facebook pages more often than I find myself on friend's pages, which made me realize I need to return here.  I feel like there is just so much work to be done in the fight for infertility education, support and medical coverage and for so long I have felt the need to be a part of that fight.  I just wonder how I might accomplish this. I have thought about doing a peer led support group with others and I have also thought about volunteering for RESOLVE, but between my baby and work and my Mother and a possible move and dental work (and, ya know, actually attempting to have real human contact with my husband and friends--oh, and sleep), I am at such a loss for time that its just something that must be put on the back burner for now.  But I keep it in my heart constantly and know that one day I will be involved in some way.

And for some reason I've been reading about others trying for #2 lately, but I certainly don't feel as if this influx of discussion is a sign that the time is near for me. I suppose I am torn, but not incredibly so. On one hand I feel the clock is ticking. None of us are getting any younger. As I age, I also pay embie storage fees that add up over time. However, on the much larger hand, I can't begin to imagine approaching treatment this soon. I feel like I'm still reeling from the years of treatment that I endured and just now beginning to enjoy the fact that my body is my own.  There have been no needle marks on this body for over a year and for that I feel spoiled.  We also have no idea where we'll land as far as where to live (same town, different house), are still paying for our first IVF, and quite frankly having a baby is hard work. Doing treatment and/or being pregnant in concert with baby raising sounds like a nightmare to me.

And most importantly, this is G's time to be a baby. I want that time to be untouched-to be all his own, to be smothered with all the love and attention he can muster.  At this point in time, I would not want my pursuit for something that may never happen to interfere.  So obviously my mind is made up, for now. But then again, the clock is still ticking...

And yet, even with that question of 'when' lingering in my mind again, I am, for the first time in my life, living for today. For this moment. And damn it feels good.