Friday, October 24, 2008

Move Two Spaces Back

Damn. Only two mature follies after the friggin' expense and discomfort of injectables. Great. It already feels like this cycle is a complete bust and waste of my time, one that I'll be scrambling to rearrange my work schedule for next week no less. Disappointment is a way of life in the great big IF, but this familiarity never makes it easier.

Being that this is my first time on injectables, they put me on the lowest dose of Menopur possible to avoid too many follies. Well, you got your wish on that last part, NP. I was doing just fine on the Clomid, popping 3 follies, but I just had to go and 'mix things up' a bit, didn't I? I guess there's some truth in, 'don't fix what's not broken'. Of course, I myself am broken, but the protocol we had going was not. However, I got greedy, thinking, "I want 4 follies! Maybe then Mr. S's struggling few soldiers will find their way to the battlegrounds!" Poor sluggish, wandering souls have no chance when there's only two needles in the haystack. But we must do what we must do to convince ourselves (and mostly Mr. S.) that everything possible has been attempted before getting out the big guns, so at least I can check IUI #5 off the list.

Today I felt much the same way as I have in the past after a BFN. I was easily irritated, wandering around with a vice on my heart, frowning at passer-bys. After seeing this in myself (which is unusual, as I'm generally cheerful), it always gives me a new perspective on people who walk through their day looking sour. It makes me realize that there is so much in the backstory that I am not privy to. Perhaps they have just lost a child? Perhaps they have just had their house foreclosed upon? Perhaps their friend just passed away? Perhaps, like me, they are watching day-by-day, year-by-year, their dream slip through their fingers? I am not so quick to judge now-to come to the simple conclusion after being met with a scowl that I'm just standing face-to-face with an asshole. My grief has allowed me a new empathy for and understanding of other's dimensions.

Once in a great while I get a stupid email from C.lassmates.com and today was no exception. That stupid email was something about being able to post one's 'personal time-line of life's big moments' for all to see. You know, so you can compare who's a loser and who isn't. So people can show, "look at me! I'm living the American dream! College, marriage, 2.5 perfect little private-school bound kids and a promotion to senior vice-president!" First of all, f&$k you C.lassmates.com for perpetuating this juvenile competition past high school and into adult years. This is why so many people avoid class reunions to begin with. Secondly, thanks for reminding me that I am not even close to where I once dreamed I would be. I'm sure this is true for many subscribers in multiple respects, but for me, my life's big accomplishment markers were many years ago-marriage, college. Yes, I'm happy with all of that and overall, I am proud of where I am, and also, I am by no means pursuing motherhood to add another notch to my accomplishment belt, but exercises in detailing your 'life's big events', whether online or in a conversation with an old classmate are yet another reminder that the dream that I spoke of previously is still waiting in the queue and worst of all, may never be fulfilled.

I have a bit of a negative streak to me today, as you may be able to hear in my words. I'm not sure whether it's a lack of sleep, the Menopur, the disappointment, or the combination of all three that are fueling it, but I see it disappearing by the weekend. I'm meeting up with some support group IF buddies for dinner and then heading to a 49ers games with a buddy on Sunday, so I'll be back, refreshed and more willing to face this cycle next week. I'm not in the best place, but being that I can still be excited about little things, I'm certainly not in the worst place, either. Hey, that's something.

21 comments:

Kymberli said...

I avoid Classmates for all the very same reasons. High school popularity contests were bad enough the first time through.

I'm hoping the best for this next cycle. I do wish that the Menopur would have worked at least as good as the Clomid did.

Michelle said...

Me too. I have not wanted to go back to high school years of who has the biggest and best. I have avoided class reunions and contacting many online for all the reasons you stated. Im sorry you are in a bad place right now. Hopefully things will go for you next week. Have a fun weekend!

Tara said...

Shelby - I am sorry. I know how you feel - been there so many times. It only takes 1, though - so, don't lose the faith yet.

Hugs!

Martha said...

Sorry you are going through this rough patch. I hope you have a nice dinner w/your IF buddies and Go 49ers! ((Hugs))

Another Dreamer said...

Sorry you didn't have more follies :(

I don't even remember my classmates, I still talk to the ones that were important... screw everyone else ;)

Competition... life is not a competition. I wish the media would stop force feeding us that.

Lorraine said...

Soooo not fair about the fewer follicles!

Of course, the main idea now is that two is FINE if at least one of them meets its match. Stranger things happen all the time, so don't write this cycle off yet. There is every reason in the world that luck will be on your side, and luck seems to play as big a part as any in all this. I wish you the very best of it!

April said...

i had the same experience. i was producing at least 3 follicles on oral meds, and when i switched to injectables for the first few cycles they kept me on low doses and i only had 1 or 2. it was very discouraging.

**big hugs** april

Nikki said...

Shelby I'm sorry about the follicles! That sucks! But like you said - the cycle you got pregnant was the one cycle when all odds were against it, right? I am going to keep my fingers crossed for you any way!

I hear you on the accomplishment markers being those from many years ago - college, marriage, and then just year after year slipping past. I'm with you. I now don't even open and read most of these emails. Batch.mates.com, class.mates.com - all get checked and deleted. I don't care.

Hope you have a good dinner with your friends, and enjoy the game tomorrow! Have fun!

Lost in Space said...

I know it's disappointing to not have as many follicles as you had hoped, but try to think quality over quantity. It is my understanding that the injectables help with quality so the 2 you have could be more prefect than the 3 from Clomid!!

To hell with Classmates. You're forced to be with these people through your childhood only based on the time period in which you were born. That is all I have in common with so many of them. I could care less what their "big bullets" are now.

Hang in there. Hugs!!

cjsayers77 said...

Sorry for only the 2 follies, but hope they are wonderful ones and that's all it takes!!!

ICLW

The Wright's said...

I'm with you on the disappointment of 2 follies on the first injectable cycle. I have my IUI on Monday after my 1st round of Follistim and only have 2. But I had 3 that were *almost* there (they'll be like 21 at time of O) and I can't help but think about how great my chances would have been with 5 follies and not 2.

GL to you. I hope they increase the menopur enough to get at least what you got on clomid.

christina from unquestionablelove.blogspot.com
iclw

I Believe in Miracles said...

Ugh!! I hate those annoucements. I recently got someones FB status update "so and so is having a boy!" and I totally had no idea she was pregnant. Life isn't a competition. I need to work on that. I'm not competing with anyone to get pregnant. On my own (or rather Gods) timeline.

Sorry about the 2 follicles. Hope you were able to have fun with your friends and relax.
***HUGS***

Hope2morrow said...

Wow. I hear a lot of pain in your words. Try to force that negativity out because it only takes one. Period.

The fat lady ain't singing yet. Hang in there.

Hope2morrow said...

Hey Shelby, if you have specific question about acupuncture, email me. I can ask my acupuncturist for you.

MamaSoon said...

Here's to 2 sticky follies! (I avoid classmates but facebook has a lot of it too... booooo)

courtney said...

I agree, life isn't a competition. but really, I have to convince myself of that. I am the one comparing myself to other people, for all I know they're comparing themselves to me (or at least that what our parents taught us, right?).
I get it though, sometimes even face.book feels that way for me. Whenever I read that a friends is 'sick' I imagine they're preggo. I hate having to suspect that at each moment.
Good luck and prayers on this cycle.

Trish said...

You have every right to feel disappointment for only 2 follies.It sucks sometimes when things don't go as planned.
Hope you friends in the support group uplift you.


Here from IComLeavWe... (adoption,pregnancy loss, IVF twins)
My Little Drummer Boys

luna said...

sorry about your underperforming follies. it sucks to have a setback like that when you're all ready to go.

Just Me. said...

My husband thinks I've become weird cuz I don't really like class reunions anymore. It's the usual same questions. What you doing now? How's Australia? Do you have a baby?

ERM. YEA. SHUT UP, I'd wanna scream.

I'm sorry you're having a crappy day. I hope you have a good day with your IF friends. Oh, and if you have any questions about acupuncture too, you can email me at infertilewhore@yahoo.com.au. No assvice, I promise.

((((hugs)))

littlezen said...

I don't like classmates either. Everytime it says someone was searching for me and I click on it I find I have to pay a fee if I want to know who it is.

Good luck with the cycle!!

eggorchicken said...

I'm so sorry about your disappointment :( Here's hoping for a miracle this cycle!

You're so right about people that come off as assholes, I've also recently started trying to rein myself in and give them the benefit of the doubt. Who knows that their day has been like!

x
Yvonne
(ICLW)