For a girl who had to previously restrain herself from gratuitous multiple daily posts, I have been uncharacteristically absent from the blogosphere. My job is great, but really demanding of my time, emotion and energy, I've been sick, and have honed an amazing ability to feel supremely sorry for myself lately. I wrote an entirely depressing entry last night and have decided not to post it as it did what it was meant to do: I feel better. I do feel the grief of infertility and loss more strongly right now, but I'm finding my way back to a more settled place. I think I'll be finding my way back to this place for a long time. I've been better, but I've been much worse, so it's time to move forward.
Moving forward should start next week when I either begin clomid or injectables, depending on what the NP suggests. I'm just waiting for Ms. AF, who has been happily on time in the past few months, so I hope she follows suit. I can't tell you how relieved I am to finally, after so many months, start something constructive. Even with BFNs, at least I'll feel that I'm doing something and not just waiting, the only activity I can claim since June. The plan remains the same: 2 more IUIs and then on to the IVF big guns. I face it all with a mixture of terror and expectancy. Because I plan on pursuing it all with no breaks, one cycle after the next, the questions that I live with everyday might be realized in the next 6 months. Will we have a biological child or not? By this time next year, I will have been at this journey for 5 full years. By then, I hope to at least have more answers and at most, a baby. Only time will tell.
As far as the response to the article, I've received nothing back. I think she's a bit cowardly or classless not to at least send a simple, "Thank you for your response. I appreciate your position." But I honestly wasn't expecting that kind of tact from her. Speaking of cowards, I think I won't be posting about the pregnancy and infant loss awareness day on my real blog after all. I would like to in the future, but I just don't think I'm in the right place to put up with people's responses, whether supportive or not. I'm not looking for inane comments or sympathy, and I have a feeling this is what I'll get. I really believe in not making miscarriage a secret and for that matter, infertility, but I'm just not ready to handle it...yet. I will be, one day.