Sunday, October 12, 2008


For a girl who had to previously restrain herself from gratuitous multiple daily posts, I have been uncharacteristically absent from the blogosphere. My job is great, but really demanding of my time, emotion and energy, I've been sick, and have honed an amazing ability to feel supremely sorry for myself lately. I wrote an entirely depressing entry last night and have decided not to post it as it did what it was meant to do: I feel better. I do feel the grief of infertility and loss more strongly right now, but I'm finding my way back to a more settled place. I think I'll be finding my way back to this place for a long time. I've been better, but I've been much worse, so it's time to move forward.

Moving forward should start next week when I either begin clomid or injectables, depending on what the NP suggests. I'm just waiting for Ms. AF, who has been happily on time in the past few months, so I hope she follows suit. I can't tell you how relieved I am to finally, after so many months, start something constructive. Even with BFNs, at least I'll feel that I'm doing something and not just waiting, the only activity I can claim since June. The plan remains the same: 2 more IUIs and then on to the IVF big guns. I face it all with a mixture of terror and expectancy. Because I plan on pursuing it all with no breaks, one cycle after the next, the questions that I live with everyday might be realized in the next 6 months. Will we have a biological child or not? By this time next year, I will have been at this journey for 5 full years. By then, I hope to at least have more answers and at most, a baby. Only time will tell.

As far as the response to the article, I've received nothing back. I think she's a bit cowardly or classless not to at least send a simple, "Thank you for your response. I appreciate your position." But I honestly wasn't expecting that kind of tact from her. Speaking of cowards, I think I won't be posting about the pregnancy and infant loss awareness day on my real blog after all. I would like to in the future, but I just don't think I'm in the right place to put up with people's responses, whether supportive or not. I'm not looking for inane comments or sympathy, and I have a feeling this is what I'll get. I really believe in not making miscarriage a secret and for that matter, infertility, but I'm just not ready to handle it...yet. I will be, one day.


Lost in Space said...

I'm glad the job is going well, but sorry your emotions have been on a low swing lately. I'm glad just typing your post was enough to get you to feeling a little better. We are here for anything you need, okay?

I think your plan sounds great and am excited for you to get started. While the breaks from treatments are sometimes necessary for all types of reasons, there is always a sense of hope when you feel like you have a "real" chance again. All my best for your next cycle.

It seems that most reporters only contact you if they think they can get another story out of it. Common courtesies of "I'm sorry." just aren't so common anymore.

Only you can know the right time to share your loss with those who know you best. I imagine it is hard to do when you are still in the trenches. Huge hugs.

Erin said...


I'm glad you are moving forward. Nothing worse than feeling stuck. I agree with you: even a BFN makes me feel closer to the point where I can say, "I've done all I could." Sadly, that point is growing nearer each day.

I love read your blog, and your words inspired me to start my own.


luna said...

thinking of you shelby. this crap is hard. no other way around it. the not knowing really sucks.

Another Dreamer said...

You've got a lot on your plate. And I can understand the not posting about it on your other blog, it's hard to open yourself up to that. Because you are totally right, though it opens the door for supportive comments, it also opens the door for the insensitive ones as well.

(I doubted she wrote you back. She really doesn't seem like that type of being.)

Sending you some virtual hugs.
Glad the writing helped you to get it out.

Nikki said...

Hi there - I was wondering why you weren't posting, and often thought I'd ask, but didn't want to pry, so I kept quiet, hoping you'd post an update soon!

I'm really excited for you - you're getting started again! Being on a treatment cycle brings so much hope, doesn't it? Good luck!! I'm rooting real hard for you!

About the reporter - I'm not surprised. I actually never wrote to her - I was in such a funk myself at that time. The only way fertile reporters would understand the pain of IF is, if one day they find themselves unable to reproduce!

Hope2morrow said...

Hang in there, girl. We're all here for you.

Martha said...

Here's some (((Hugs)))and I'm glad you're moving forward and taking care of yourself. Shelby, I think you totally rock!

Lorraine said...

Next week! That's exciting - it's always good to get on with things when you've been in a holding pattern for a while.

Re: the letter: the important thing is that you articulated the opposite side of the story so well - if whe doesn't choose to respond, it is just selective journalism.

At a certain point, it may be worth sending the original and your response to a journalist of your choosing - it's a great topic, and it seems like someone would be happy to pursue it, especially with built-in sources!

I Believe in Miracles said...

I'm sorry you've been having such a rough time lately. Reaching out to give you a ...
***BIG HUG***

MamaSoon said...

Good luck with your next step. All we can do is pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off and try again.

Murgdan said...

Sorry you've been feeling so down...but glad you're moving forward with things. I can certainly understand the whole 'overwhelmed' aspect as well.

Hang in there.