Wednesday, April 29, 2009

The Ghost of Miscarriages Past

The more I step into the future, the closer I am to reliving the past. I've been avoiding writing at all for the past few weeks for fear that revealing my feelings and most importantly, my fears, will make them come to fruition. I realize now that I am no longer dealing in logic. Instead, this experience is becoming a practice in pure memory.

Tomorrow is another ultrasound to save my sanity and I am TERRIFIED. Yes, that deserved nothing less than all caps. The logic leaves when you realize that not only have I not experienced anything that would make me believe this pregnancy has come or is coming to an end, but that my symptoms are still in full swing for the most part. And no bleeding means good, right?

Wrong.

With my first pregnancy, I reached an ultrasound at 10 1/2 weeks wrapped in the false security that no bleed=awesome. Weeks upon weeks passed as I carried around my dead baby. I was cruelly allowed to get close enough to smell and almost touch that 12 week mark. And then one day, nothing. All gone. No warning. So, yes, I am simply terrified of the silence with which my last longed for child disappeared from my grasp happening again. And most importantly, I am terrified of what it would do to me and whether I would have the strength to re-experience it. I greatly underestimated how large of a shadow my first loss would cast on future pregnancies.

The stakes feel higher. I let myself believe this time, something I thought I might never do, potentially creating a farther distance to fall. I mean, so far, everything has been perfect-the levels, the growth, the heartbeats-a type of perfection and progress an infertile girl is simply not used to. Maybe is suspicious of. It feels too good to be true. I'm not used to things going right. I mean, am I really someone who could have my dream? Who deserves her dream? My beginnings and later, infertility and loss, assured me that I was not someone who would ever have her fairytale ending, so how could I possibly think that I could fool the universe now?

I have never experienced a panic attack, but if I came close, I can count two times this week it happened. Mr. S. seems to think it's pregnancy hormones, but part of it is the exhaustion of living in constant fear. I walk around waiting for the punch line, the imaginary voice once again saying, "ha! fooled you again sucka!" I'm tired, but still strangely enough, grateful. If I could endure the pain of infertility and treatment for a child, then I would gladly have a million panic attacks for them as well. So, if this is what I must experience, so be it. I just really hope and pray that all this worry is for nothing.

14 comments:

Nikki said...

Good luck tomorrow Shelby! Praying for you, and I hope everything turns out just fine.

((HUGS))

The Unproductive One said...

I feel for you. It doesn't get easier, I wish I could say it does but it doesn't.

My last pregnancy, I thought it was different, felt different everything but no, nothing was different and I experienced my 4th miscarriage.

I think once you've experienced miscarriage any subsequent pregnancies make you very cautious.

That being said, PLEASE make sure you enjoy every single day of being pregnant, what will be will be and you can't change fate....

xxxx

'Murgdan' said...

...thinking of you!

M said...

it is a hard burden to carry... this marking time by prior loss. if you were calm and normal, i'd think you were crazy. my biggest fear isn't that i won't ever conceive again, it's that i'll experience that loss again.

panic attacks are horrible. if i may, i'd like to suggest two things. 1) therapy - really really helped me get the anxiety back under control 2) at home doppler - so you can hear the heartbeat between u/s

i'll be thinking of you. know that whatever happens, you will be be to handle it because you are strong and courageous. look what you've already survived.

Michelle said...

I do too! Your feelings and fears are completely understandable. You are human and it is hard to forget. I am keeping you in my thoughts and I am hoping and praying that everything is fine and will continue to be for the rest of your pregnancy!

Infertility is Hard said...

Good luck on the ultrasound tomorrow! I'm hoping for great and reassuring news! :-D

Sarang said...

I wish I could take away your anxiety. I wish I could put this protective little bubble around you, so you didn't have to experience anymore worry around this pregnancy.

I know today's u/s will be a milestone for you. I hope after it, you will be able to yell "HA!" back at that imaginary voice. Or best yet, I hope it will bring you further peace of mind.

I am thinking of you. Sending a prayer for you.

Tara said...

Good luck tomorrow.

Mr. Shelby said...

We've thought about a home doppler, but there's a PTSD factor to it. The day before our heart-breaking ultrasound last year, we attempted to find a heart beat using one. We could not.

We tried to convince ourselves that it was simply too early to find one (10 weeks) with a doppler, but there was simply no heart beat to be found.

I'm not sure we're ready to try using one again. If we can't find a beat (which is very common due to baby movement etc) we'll be panicked...

More cruel tricks fate plays...

Mr. Shelby

Jendeis said...

Hoping and praying that everything goes well and continues to go well.

Dr.Rutledge said...

Hi Shelby,

Good luck tomorrow, we're hoping for the best. I'm a physician and former faculty member at Harvard and Stanford Medical Schools. I discovered your blog while looking for the best writers on the web. I reviewed your posts, and think your writing would be a great resource to the Pregnancy & Fertility Community on Wellsphere, a top 5 health website that has nearly 5 million visitors monthly. If you would like to learn more about how you can join our Health Blogger Network, republish your blog posts and be featured on the Wellsphere platform, just drop me an email at dr.rutledge@wellsphere.com.

Cheers,
Geoff

Kacy said...

I am wanted you to know that I am thinking about you and sending all my well wishes and prayers you way. I hope it helps!

My Reality said...

I hope the scan went well today.

S said...

Take all the scans you need. I'm insisting on weekly ones. Because like you, the ghosts of m/c past haunt me every day. Janaki died inside me and I can almost pinpoint the moment of her death. My first ever miscarriage, I had no bleeding, nothing, saw a heartbeat and then at 9.5 weeks the baby had gotten smaller and died. What a cruel joke.

I know I've already commented on your later post and how glad I am that everything is going well, but we're allowed to be neurotic damnit.