At the risk of sounding positive (whose blog am I reading??), we had our 6th (yes, you read that right) ultrasound yesterday and as always, despite my heart pounding terror sitting in the waiting room, it did not fail to astound. Of the 5 we had previous, only 2 were actually prescribed. The first extraneous one was just for peace of mind because our RE rocks and allows such things and then almost 2 weeks ago, we had a bleeding episode following a session of insanely tame sexy time which prompted an 'emergency' ultrasound at my HMO (emergency as in I was freaking out, despite the fact that the bleeding had completely stopped).
My HMO, in all their big corporate 'let's save a buck or two at the expense of up-to-date care' suckiness, had the shittiest machine imaginable. After being spoiled by the crystal clear images at the RE's office, we could barely see the flicker of a heartbeat with the HMO and in fact, the practitioner couldn't even identify the head from the bum or the source of the bleeding, so you can imagine that when my RE offered me another appointment later that day, I snapped it up. Yes, 2 ultrasounds in one day, but if it means sanity, then sign me up.
The equipment was world's different. Not only did we see the head, but we also saw the newly emerging limbs, the umbilical cord and best of all, movement. We also spotted a blood clot far away from my uterus that was likely the source of the bleeding. Thankfully, it's since resolved itself (I hear this can be common for pg women due to increased blood flow). It was the first time that I really started to grasp that there is a strong likelihood that at the end of all of this, we may actually have a baby.
We officially graduated from the RE's last week and had our first OB appointment yesterday. This was significant for us in a number of respects. During our last pregnancy, we were 'graduated' at a mere 6 1/2 weeks. There was an entire month between that ultrasound and the one I got at my new OB's and by then, the baby had been long gone. So, you might be able to imagine my utter co-dependence on my RE. Firstly, they have been AMAZING. Even on my week of 3 ultrasounds, they never made me feel as if I was a burden or completely over-the-top in my anxiety (which I probably was). They held our hand, spent time discussing everything, so when it was time to leave the nest, I was afraid. I mean, in my past experience, leaving RE=bad things. So as we sat in the OB's waiting room, I know that the last time we had been set free was still at the forefront of both of our minds. I could see the other waiting room as if it were yesterday. Thankfully, as we decided to go with a provider covered under my PPO rather than my HMO (and yet still in the middle of being double-covered I still never had IF coverage), we will likely never step foot into that other waiting room again.
At 9 weeks, 3 days, our little bean is measuring at 10 weeks 1 day and moving, twisting and waving up a storm. I was so relieved that I was seeing life on a screen outside my OB's office, that I actually screamed a few times (yes, when I get excited, I squeal like a little girl). I know that it was all in relief. My baby is alive. That's all I can think. I can barely attend to some of the details others were catching because of the joy I felt in just seeing proof that he/she had found a way to exist beyond the RE's office. At that point, it felt real. Of course, as one gets farther away from that experience, it begins to revert back to the surreal feelings bordering on disbelief. After explaining my heightened chance for insanity without frequent feedback, the NP gave me the option to come back when I want for an ultrasound. Awesome. I've found another enabler. Now I don't feel so lost outside my RE's doors. I do wonder, will there ever be a week during which I'll feel confident enough to not have an ultrasound to reassure me? Probably not, but I can say that compared to a few weeks back, I'm in a much quieter, calmer place.