Just wanted to say that the ultrasound went great and was followed by the most amazing shower of relief. Even if it is only a temporary peace of mind (as I undoubtedly will start the cycle of freaking out in a little over a week's time again-I have it on a timer), I'll take it! The peanut filled the screen and has pretty much outgrown the dildo cam! Even crazier still is that it now has a distinct human profile, which was simultaneously creepy and amazing. But the fact that the little heart was beating away and that she/he was moving it's now long limbs this way and that gave me the most amazing security, something that has been foreign for quite awhile.
I will say this, though. I think the nurse practitioner thought I was totally bat shit crazy. As soon as she came into the room, I started crying and telling her how scared I was, giving her an unprompted miscarriage history, which she was already aware of. I'm not even sure we got as far as normal greetings before I started in with the waterworks. She got a panicked look on her face, thinking something must've happened, but no, you see, the lady is just crazy. I looked over at Mr. S who looked just as startled. You see, this is unlike me. While I'm not exactly stoic, I also rarely wear my heart on my sleeve, especially for strangers, but in the course of communicating how anxious I was, I also inadvertently communicated that I've officially lost it. Oh well. At least I can say that after today, whatever it was I lost, I got it back.