Monday, April 13, 2009

An Infertile Pregnancy

I have penned the draft of this blog a million and one times in my head, and each time I am faced with the competing dilemmas of the fact that there is simply too much to say and that I am not quite clear on where to go with this blog at the moment. I have always felt that 'if' I ever did get pregnant again, I would create a separate pregnancy blog. But I would never be naive enough to feel that at 9 weeks this one is for sure, so just as I'm not leaping out my front door buying onesies and strollers yet, I'm certainly not going to devote an entire separate blog to something that could still potentially be more of a memorial. I know, ever the positive Patsy. That's the infertile in me, folks. You see, yes I may be pregnant, but that's not where the story of infertility ends for me.

In fact, the farther I progress into this pregnancy, the more I envy those to which it came easily. I wonder, does their heart pump uncontrollably the second before they look at every piece of toilet paper inspecting it for blood? Do they question whether every twinge will begin a process that ends in another dead baby? Do they look at events several months in the future and feel the need to preface it, "If I'm still pregnant"? I wonder, do they sit in the OB's office awaiting their appointment, in half panic, with the memory of what a practitioner's face looks like when they discover your child has died seared into their memory and praying that they'll never see it again?

Or do they only imagine what their child will look like? How they'll decorate the nursery? What sex they'll be? What they'll name them? I won't lie and say that as the ultrasounds pass by one-by-one, these things have not flittered through my mind, but I wonder what it would be like to have these thoughts dominate. I know of someone who will be in a wedding in September with me. While she is not yet pregnant, she has announced she is trying and is so confident in her future pregnancy that she is already making plans to have a maternity bridesmaid's dress. As of now, I am pregnant and yet, I have requested to postpone any dress plans until at least June. How I wish I had the same blind confidence.

This is not to say that those who conceived easily do not have any of these worries, but coming from a place where for years nothing went right, I believe it's harder to imagine that they ever will. I'm getting there, though. Bit-by-bit, but I'm afraid to let go. It's like if I believe too readily, than perhaps this in and of itself will result in heartache. Oh, what a number infertility has played on my mind. For all of the things it has given, it does still remind me that it is something never to be ignored. It will always be there, threatening to take even the small victories. I hope that some day, I will finally be able to just 'be'. One step at a time, I guess.

16 comments:

'Murgdan' said...

Wow. Yep. This is pretty much how I imagine it would be...one day at a time (funny, that's what I'm telling myself right now). One day at a time works in a number of different situations, doesn't it?

Nikki said...

One step at a time, and one day at a time. I can't even imagine ever being able to get over IF, even if I manage to have a baby (notice that I don't say "when I manage to have a baby!)

I too wish we could have some of the blind confidence or just the pure innocence that we've been robbed of!

Cassandra said...

I've (sort of) been on both sides. My first pregnancy occurred after two years of IF, but it never occurred to me that I could lose it, so the years of difficulty evaporated and I became a normal pregnant woman, as long as it lasted.

Each version has its benefits and drawbacks, but being blindsided by miscarriage, esp. when I theoretically should have known better after my history, really sucked. Sure, IF pregnancy isn't unequivocally happy, but we can either have our fears validated (and have seen it coming) or hopefully be pleasantly surprised.

The great joke on us is that the odds say that your fellow bridesmaid will need a maternity bridal dress, and she'll never have any idea how lucky she is (unless you tell her how lucky, which I am often tempted to do but don't).

itsazooaroundhere said...

OK, I would want to strangle the bridesmaid who is already planning her maternity gown. Grrrr.

I think there are lots of people who have never battled loss/IF or known about anyone who has, so they can just blissfully enjoy their pregnancy. It is a huge part of the experience that is robbed from us all.

I guess day by day like the others have said is the only way to deal. Keep blogging here for as long as you feel comfortable!

Lost in Space said...

Just day by day, hun. No less, no more.....

Hugs.

Kat470 said...

I envy the naivete that a non infertility woman must feel. As you said, yes they still worry, but nothing like us infertiles do. It's the hardest journey I've ever been on. Life changing, that is for sure.

Jendeis said...

Hey girl, nothing wise to say. Just wanted to let you know that I'm here. Hugs!

Martha said...

((Hugs)) Shelby.

I Believe in Miracles said...

It's one step at a time, accomplishing different milestones along the way. At least that's been mine experience. Slowly, slowly... it's amazing how deep the scars of IF run.
~~HUGS~~

Another Dreamer said...

It's so different, I envy them their confidence. I truly do. (*sigh*)

One day at a time. (*hugs*)

Suzanne said...

It's so good to hear from you... I was getting worried!

I'm glad I'm not the only one feeling this way about pregnancy. Your description of evaluating the toilet paper and wondering about every twinge is exactly what I've been doing. I thought it was just me.

I never thought in a million years that my inability to get pregnant would screw with my head so much. IF is cruel in so many ways.

Just take things one day a time. Every day that passes is one day closer to having a healthy baby.

banditgirl said...

I totally understand, Shelby. It makes so much sense that you are feeling this way, how could you not, given all the painful experiences you've gone through? Yes, stay with the present and don't get overwhelmed with the future.

S said...

Hey positive patsy, negative nancy here, and I fucking hear ya!!

I remember reading one of those jokes, you know, the IVF veteran barbie, the one that keeps POAS all the way into the third trimester to believe that its really happening. I think I'd be like that too, and I don't think I'd change my blog from an IF blog to a parenting one until I well and truly "graduated" - which in my cynical, negative nancy world means live birth and beyond.

you're so right. its one day at a time. a toss up between treasuring the moments and fearing the loss. but you can do this!

xx

S said...

p.s. good work on not flipping out about that smug bridesmaid and conking her on the noggin. you have the restraint of a saint. and you know what, it will probably happen for her too.

BARFSOME!!!

Lorraine said...

It's okay if you don't "enjoy" your entire pregnancy.It has absolutely no bearing on your enjoyment of motherhood, and in fact may enhance it all the more.

I am so not the person to tell you not to worry, but I hope it doesn't overwhelm you. Just take those little victories as they come.

chicklet said...

This is where I am too. While I'm rolling with it pretty positively, I am in NO WAY taking it for granted. I just can't. It's been too long, and I know too much, and I don't know when I'll finally just be confident, but it's for sure not now at 10 weeks...