Thursday, September 20, 2012

Welcome to My Rollercoaster

As the nurse was drawing my blood, I began sobbing, openly. Normally I cover this up, but with a needle in my arm, I was locked to the chair so my only option for escape was to draw one hand slowly up to my face. Everything went quiet in the clinic, people shifted uncomfortably and smiled apologetically. Eventually, the lab lady offered me tea, which I declined. As soon as the cotton ball and tape were fastened to my arm, I booked it to the bathroom to clean my smeared makeup.

This was how my third beta went down.  This was Monday, but the beginning of the roller coaster was the previous Wednesday, the day before my first beta. I had convinced myself that I NEEDED to come home in the middle of the workday and take a test right then. I downed a bottle of water on the way home and after those requisite 3 heart-pounding minutes,  I was shocked at what I saw. SHOCKED.

NOT pregnant.

Because I was certain, down to the bottom of my core that I was.  From the day after transfer, I tried so hard to convince myself otherwise because I knew that if I didn't, I would have even farther to fall. (that's the reasoning of a jilted infertile pessimist for you)

Returning to work was not an option. I was a tearful, fuck-the-world mess. Instead, we left and I ate some very fried foods (and got sick from them, of course). The next morning, the morning of my beta, I decided to take another test with undiluted morning pee for posterity-just to be absolutely certain. I couldn't hold it past 5 AM, so in the dark of early morning, I went to wait for the results, but before I could stand up, it said it...pregnant.  What?

That morning, I was all smiles and chatter with the lab ladies. I squealed a little when my doctor called me with a 154 beta and went about the next day dreaming of G's sibling and nurseries. I know-dangerous, but I indulged.

And then the next day, it hit. I've felt it before-that heavy feeling of dread, waiting for the bottom to fall out. This is more than pessimism, more than the echo of loss or infertility. This was intuition, my body's voice, that knew the next day's news would not be good. And it was spot on. My second beta was 178. It barely went up, and was far from doubled.  My doctor proposed a few scenarios-either this was twins and one was petering out (yet still we would have seen that number go up more), we were waiting for a miscarriage or it was an ectopic. That's what brought me to that third beta on Monday.

So, when my doctor called Monday afternoon, she asked, "so what does your intuition tell you today?" with the sing-song quality of good news in her voice.  "It's not good." I said. Well, apparently it had gone up, close to doubling. 325. I was more than confused and back onto the roller coaster.

What do I think about this? I try not to think either way. Easier said than done. Tomorrow, Friday, is my fourth beta. I'll be sitting in that same chair trying to stifle tears and I'll spend that morning afterward with my eyes glued to my phone.  I can't see from where I'm sitting that this could be good news, but I want more than anything for it to be. I'm spending my moments balancing realism, impending grief and hope and it's exhausting. Either way, I'd love to get some definitive news and stop living on the roller coaster of the unknown.


Melissa G said...

Oh Shelby, this is so frustrating. WHY OH WHY MUST IT BE SO DIFFICULT?! After all we've been through why must the universe continue to fuck with us???

Sending hugs and more than doubling vibes your way. xoxo

Claudia said...

Oh Shelby. This must be awful. Thinking of you, and so so SO much hoping that those numbers continue to go up.

S said...

Ugh, I hate uncertainty even more than I hate bad news, so what you are describing is just an awful scenario to me.

Abiding with you while you wait for tomorrow's result and hoping it's a good one.

Kate said...

I'm so sorry, this sucks!

I Believe in Miracles said...

I am so so sorry. I hope it was just a twins thing and you're on your way to a normal, healthy pregnancy. Keep us posted on the next beta test. BIG HUG.

AnotherDreamer said...

So sorry for the roller coaster you're going through! Really hoping for good news and thinking of you. Hang in there.

Sarang said...

You make me cry, M-Sis. I'm sorry for this rollercoaster. You'll be on my mind & in my <3 tomorrow. XO. Hoping, hoping, HOPING.

Lorraine said...

It's just so nervewracking, these early days. Hang in there, you're waaay still in the game now.

Fingers, toes, etc.!

cheryllookingforward said...

I hate the rollercoaster. I'll be hoping for you. Let us know as soon as you can. Lots of good love and thoughts sent your way!

Courtney said...

oh my gosh. This is everything awful about the the two week wait. You certainly are pregnant, but you're not even 'allowed' to be excited by it. (of course you can, but it's so emotional!). No matter what the outcome is, you need a good hug and a box of chocolates. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Please let us know how it goes.

banditgirl said...

Shelby! I am thinking of you every minute today. I am sending lots of sticky but peaceful and calm and loving vibes!