Before the ultrasound:
I have no idea what the ultrasound today will reveal or any ultrasounds thereafter, if we get there. I think it will be good news, a small milestone at the very beginning of many, many others. But I do know this. Should this not prove successful at any point, we are done with treatment for good.
I always wondered what it would feel like to be at the place where I was done. I thought I would be more torn, but I just knew that the game of the gamble wasn't for me any longer. Nevertheless, I do want desperately to add to our family.
Should this not go the direction we hope today or any day thereafter, Mr. S and I have decided to look into adoption. We haven't made a final call, but we have seriously decided to roll up our sleeves and do our homework and see if it's meant for our family. We're done with the lack of guarantee, the drugs, throwing money at companies for a 'chance'. It is finally time to move on and with both possibilities-whether the one I'm brewing right now or a child through adoption, I am filled with hope, but petrified all the same. I do know this-whoever is meant to join us, will.
One little sack, measuring on schedule. I would breathe a sigh of relief, but I've never been one to do that. Even after my kid's birth I was still a worry wort practically in the same way I was before every ultrasound. Next appointment is in a week. There should be a heartbeat by then. Although my doctor basically alluded to the fact that I need Xanex BADLY, I can't have that, so I guess a bag of chocolate and a bath will have to do as I chew my nails to the quick in anticipation.