On Saturday, Mr. S and I sent the kiddo off to be with his grandparents and spent the morning at an adoption information session. Whether it was having resumed my regular caffeine habit or the heightened emotions of facing one of the biggest decisions of our lives (my money's on both), I was keyed up and irritable before I walked in. By the end, I was oddly relaxed. I was expecting the opposite and had even scheduled a massage afterwards to combat what I thought would be a fallout.
There is so much to process and so much to consider and so little time has been spent devoted to that, but if I had to make a snap decision (of which I don't make a habit), I would say that as of now, this feels terrifying-oh so, so terrifying...but right.
But it could be wrong. (remember, I don't make snap decisions) And I'm going to give myself countless books and perhaps months to figure out which it is. I will come here and process until I have a novel that expounds on every fear under the sun about adoption (of which I have many). But ultimately, I am a destiny kind-of-girl. It is the one thing that has gotten me through the hell fires of infertility-this belief that whatever road I am traveling, no matter how bleak, will ultimately lead me to exactly where I belong. This is not to diminish our losses, but to make sense of them, to give them purpose. It seems to me that every heartbreak keeps pushing me toward some greater plan that I can't yet see. I do also believe that there is a mixture of freewill intertwined in this, that, despite this 'bigger plan', you still also have the enormous capacity to be a dumb ass and just screw things up, hence my lack of snap decisions. However, at the end of this researching and soul searching and fact checking, I do know that my heart will take the lead.
And my heart keeps seeming to scream at me that this is where our child is.