On Saturday, Mr. S and I sent the kiddo off to be with his grandparents and spent the morning at an adoption information session. Whether it was having resumed my regular caffeine habit or the heightened emotions of facing one of the biggest decisions of our lives (my money's on both), I was keyed up and irritable before I walked in. By the end, I was oddly relaxed. I was expecting the opposite and had even scheduled a massage afterwards to combat what I thought would be a fallout.
There is so much to process and so much to consider and so little time has been spent devoted to that, but if I had to make a snap decision (of which I don't make a habit), I would say that as of now, this feels terrifying-oh so, so terrifying...but right.
But it could be wrong. (remember, I don't make snap decisions) And I'm going to give myself countless books and perhaps months to figure out which it is. I will come here and process until I have a novel that expounds on every fear under the sun about adoption (of which I have many). But ultimately, I am a destiny kind-of-girl. It is the one thing that has gotten me through the hell fires of infertility-this belief that whatever road I am traveling, no matter how bleak, will ultimately lead me to exactly where I belong. This is not to diminish our losses, but to make sense of them, to give them purpose. It seems to me that every heartbreak keeps pushing me toward some greater plan that I can't yet see. I do also believe that there is a mixture of freewill intertwined in this, that, despite this 'bigger plan', you still also have the enormous capacity to be a dumb ass and just screw things up, hence my lack of snap decisions. However, at the end of this researching and soul searching and fact checking, I do know that my heart will take the lead.
And my heart keeps seeming to scream at me that this is where our child is.
5 comments:
Hi Shelby - I just saw your comment on my blog and I wanted to stop by yours.
I remember our first couple of information meetings about adoption. I remember how everything was really overwhelming and we were thinking "How are we going to do this?" and "CAN we do this?" but ultimately we knew it was the right decision for us. Adoption was going to be how we built our family. I haven't read your whole blog but you mentioned having dealt with infertility in this post. We dealt with it, too. Still are. It's been years since we started trying to conceive. When we stopped infertility treatment and decided to move onto adoption, it felt right. We felt hopeful again.
Take all the time you need to make this decision. You remind me of me -- I read TONS of books on the subject! (And about infertility, too) I immersed myself in all of it because that's just how I deal with things.
If I can be of any help - or if you just need someone to "listen" feel free to email me - stevewendyadopt@comcast.net
Thanks, Wendy! I really appreciate the support. What would any of us do without it?
Congrats on finding something that feels right! Now there's a whole new set of blogs for you to start reading. And next year Lori's book to read.
Best of luck with the whole process.
Adoption (which we did) can be heart wrenching, but worth it. Good luck!
I thought I commented before, but apparently I didn't... sorry!
About your last post, it makes so much sense to me. Very well written!
As for this post, I support you in whatever your decision is. I think it's a great option, and I read quite a few books while we were thinking about it. It's still on our option list for continuing to build our family.
Best wishes on the research and the decision.
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