Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Moving On

Ever heard of someone's nausea increasing rather than decreasing as their pregnancy fails (and even as they begin spotting and cramping)?

Yeah, me neither.

But I am, as I've found, an exception to the rule in many cases. And not always in a good way. 

D&C was yesterday. The night prior, my nausea was at an all-time high. In fact, it was debilitating. I was beside myself and thinking that my HCG was obviously low enough at that point to not be the cause, so I was envisioning all kinds of crazy google diagnoses. But the next day, after the procedure, I was finally nausea-free. Strange...and an odd consolation prize.  My body knew for awhile that something was awry and was screaming to tell me.

 I think I might be working towards my black belt because I am a pro at this. This is obviously said with a fair amount of sarcasm as loss will never be old hat.  In fact, I think it compounds with time and more loss. Still, with this grieving thing, if practice makes perfect, than I am nearing perfection, collecting my 'miscarriage' socks left and right.

But the light at the end of the tunnel is that I am now allowed to move on, to make plans for who or what might be ahead. After 8 years of this roller coaster, I do have the most remarkable prize that has made it all very worth it. He is a prize that I NEVER discount how I lucky I am to have the opportunity to parent. He is a bright, sensitive, empathetic, compassionate, talented, creative little man for whom I would've weathered 1,000 more storms. And if someone else is destined to join our family, I will weather just as many ahead. It makes it easier knowing just how small a price to pay this really all is in the end.

Thank you to all of you for your support. Although I am awful at commenting on blogs, I do still read about and follow all of your lives and it's nice to feel the sisterhood that still gets me through after all these years.


Melissa G said...

And it goes both ways. Your sharing has helped all of us!

S- I am so sorry for the losses you have incurred. And while it is important to be grateful for what you do have, it should not discount the grief that comes with a loss, or the fact that you still want to add to your family.

hugs, hugs and more hugs, friend.

AnotherDreamer said...

I couldn't agree with Melissa more. I am truly sorry for your losses, for what you've went through, for what yet lies ahead... It's good to be grateful for what you have, but that doesn't make your grief or your pain mean less (*hugs*)

cheryllookingforward said...

I'm right here with you. It sucks to be pros at this.

I threw up the night before my 1st D&C. It was mainly out of fear and having no idea what to expect. I'm glad that part is over for you.

Lots of love