Where I Am

Congrats to you if you make it through my novel below. :) I am back again to process something more immediate. I had indicated that part of the way in which I deal with grief is to look forward, but being that I have all too much familiarity with it, I know exactly where I am in the process.

I'm angry.

I'm completely pissed.  I feel short-changed by the universe.*

I guess that means I'm past the shock/disbelief, so that's something.

I'm reeling at the irony and searing rage that I feel over the fact that my brother-in-law and sister-in-law gave birth to their second child just a few days after my miscarriage. These are married people in their mid-thirties who already have a kid and after they found out they were 'accidentally' pregnant, whispered the 'A' word and then decided against attending my Mom's memorial because they went into 'crisis mode'. She was probably already about 3 months along before they clued in and they showed up to the hospital this time without so much as a bag packed or diapers purchased.  This kid felt like an after thought, when I would have given ANYTHING to be in that position.

I apologize. My emotions are ugly and dripping with envy with this one. In tonight's role, Shelby will be playing the part of the bitter infertile. It's not pretty, but it's real.

So, my own personal tragedies this year have served as parentheses for this pregnancy, this child. I'm not sure how I will face her, but I must. She is my son's cousin and I won't ever deny him that.  I know this will all fade, but this is where I am...right here, right now.

In an attempt to heal, I will light my two candles tonight at 7 PM in honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day...for my babies.


*I NEVER lose sight of how much I do have, even when I'm feeling sorry for myself. I am AMAZINGLY lucky. Just hurting.