Monday, October 15, 2012

Where I Am

Congrats to you if you make it through my novel below. :) I am back again to process something more immediate. I had indicated that part of the way in which I deal with grief is to look forward, but being that I have all too much familiarity with it, I know exactly where I am in the process.

I'm angry.

I'm completely pissed.  I feel short-changed by the universe.*

I guess that means I'm past the shock/disbelief, so that's something.

I'm reeling at the irony and searing rage that I feel over the fact that my brother-in-law and sister-in-law gave birth to their second child just a few days after my miscarriage. These are married people in their mid-thirties who already have a kid and after they found out they were 'accidentally' pregnant, whispered the 'A' word and then decided against attending my Mom's memorial because they went into 'crisis mode'. She was probably already about 3 months along before they clued in and they showed up to the hospital this time without so much as a bag packed or diapers purchased.  This kid felt like an after thought, when I would have given ANYTHING to be in that position.

I apologize. My emotions are ugly and dripping with envy with this one. In tonight's role, Shelby will be playing the part of the bitter infertile. It's not pretty, but it's real.

So, my own personal tragedies this year have served as parentheses for this pregnancy, this child. I'm not sure how I will face her, but I must. She is my son's cousin and I won't ever deny him that.  I know this will all fade, but this is where I am...right here, right now.

In an attempt to heal, I will light my two candles tonight at 7 PM in honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day...for my babies.

*I NEVER lose sight of how much I do have, even when I'm feeling sorry for myself. I am AMAZINGLY lucky. Just hurting.


AnotherDreamer said...

I think anger is completely reasonable given the situation :(

Thinking of you and your lost ones today (*hugs*)

cheryllookingforward said...

Lots of love. I read through the last post and I can see why you keep going over and over in your head.

banditgirl said...

I just read your last two posts. I am thinking about you a lot. I think anger is part of processing and think it's absolutely okay and absolutely understandable. I can relate to it, I remember it very well. I hope time will pass fast so the anger subsides. Do what you need to do. Sending lots of hugs.

Lorraine said...

Totally get it. My sister got pregnant with twins on literally the first or second night she tried. Like, they "tried" a few nights in a row and ended up with their whole family.

The sibling thing is hard. There are no guarantees, obviously. I hope you find the perfect option. And I hope your crossroads is more like my daughter's "school for the arts and sciences" than the britney movie!