Oh boy has my mind been busy. I have been thinking of the ins and outs of adoption, reading, pondering, considering 1,000 different scenarios and although I said I'd be using this space to further explore these in painstaking detail, I am now hesitant. You see, I am realizing something that many of the teenagers I work with fail to grasp...the internet, well, this thing is forever. Every word I write here might as well be carved in stone.
It's quite likely that if we adopt, our child may have the know-how (especially with a Dad like Mr. S), to find every word I've written on this page in print in 15 years, despite my *partial* anonymity. I have no hesitation about everything I've written so far. Will I want my children to know how heart breaking this journey to them was? Yes, eventually, when they are ready to understand it for what it was: not a guilt trip, but an illustration of how deeply wanted they were. So, I have no need to hide these words as they exist today. But as I consider this possible next step, I am filled with questions and fears and while I would love to reach out and let these be known and have support here, I have to consider this: will my child read these words one day? If I type the worries that are locked in my heart onto this page, what impact would they have if my child were to one day stumble upon them? In the same way we ask our elementary counseling group students, I must ask: will it be helpful or hurtful?
Because of the nature of my fears that are quite likely being shadowed by some of society's misunderstandings still leftover in me, I suspect they will be more of the latter. And knowing kids (and people) as I do, the ultimate concern is that these fears would somehow be seen as a reflection of them and not what they are, which is merely my lack of knowledge and my still-fresh grief over our loss. So, I have decided that the conclusion I will come to will be aided through counseling, books, support groups and lots and lots of plain old talking. It's crazy to think that I would make a life decision without the internet, huh??
That's not to say that I won't come here. I've been here for 4 1/2 years (quite sporadically at times) and I don't suspect I'll be abandoning my post just yet. I still have miles to go before our family building comes to a close and I wouldn't trade this space for anything.