The way in which the last 3 minutes I blogged about ended sent me into a personal crash and burn of sorts. Hopefully this is temporary. For the most part, it always has been. The lowest of lows, the deep self-pity and the howling crying fests that leave me dehydrated stay just long enough to see me through to the next cycle where hope shows up again, though a bit dimmer. Someone (and I'm not sure whom-one of my 50 rss feeds) blogged eloquently about the difference between expectations and hope. My heart and mind tried to desperately clutch to delineating between these two concepts, but it was too late. Not only did I hope this cycle would yield a BFP, I expected it would. Even after 3 other failed cycles and knowing how dangerous that can be, I stepped right into that trap. Silly, silly me. After 4+ years, I know better.
Never since my first IUI, when I naively believed in unmitigated success, did I find myself so crushed by infertility defeat. I was truly surprised by my belief in this one as I've always been able to keep myself at a somewhat protective distance. Why this one? Well, perhaps it was because it fell on the heels of the last one, which was successful, so to speak. So, here I am, getting up and dusting myself off, heading straight into IUI #6. Imagine that. I never thought I would see IUI #6. Not that I ever thought I would have a baby before this point, but that I never thought I would let this many IUIs sneak in the door before chasing IVF down. But there's a good reason for where we are. Mr. S. and I had some more frank financial discussions about IVF funding and the reality is, everything will come out of pocket. Insurance will cover nothing. More roadblocks I suppose (such is the life of IF), but because I would walk to work naked with no food in my stomach to have a baby, I'll make it happen. Damn skippy. I just have to keep remembering, expect the worst, hope for the best.
13 comments:
IF is is like a sine wave in life. The highs of the hopes and expectations, and the lows of the negatives. The next cycle comes back with its hopes again, and that's what keeps us going.
The world thrives on hope, but we have unfortunately learnt to take that with a pinch of salt. We have learnt to expect the worst, while we hope for the best.
I'm sorry hun. I was hoping for you too.
I find that hope for each cycle, even if we know the odds are totally against us, both damning and uplifting. It's a double edged sword in my eyes.
Hope the next IUI is more successful.
that stinks, shelby. I always had a hard time managing my expectations and even hope. it is human nature to hope for the best outcome, maybe, or why else would we subject ourselves to this?
my dear m-sister, "...hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul, and sings the tunes without the words and never stops at all..." this quote from emily dickinson plays over and over in my head...as i continue to keep fervently hoping for all of us in the sisterhood. i never thought to differentiate between hope and expectation, thank you, Shelby, for helping me think about it in that way. i am hoping for a lucky IUI#6 for you. much love.
I've had many cycles where I was full of hope, and some where my low expectations left me no hope and I just went through the motions. Regardless of where I started emotionally, every failure has sucked in its own way.
Wishing you the very best of luck with IUI #6.
The worst thing is when the hope tricks you...and you end up defeated again.
I understand that no insurance is a roadblock, but like you said, you can do anything. I cannot believe how quickly I've come up with the money for IVF. I guess when you REALLY want something, you easily make the sacrifice. Once it becomes 'real', you'll find a way.
I still wish you all the luck in the world on IUI #6.
Shelby, I am so sorry. Hope is what keeps us moving forward. It's why we go through cycle after cylce. We can never give up hope but it hurts so much, I know. ((HUGS))
Shelby - I am so sorry. I was really hoping that it was just too early. This IF journey is such a roller coaster of emotions that I can't ever seem to keep in check. I love you and will be praying that IUI #6 will be the one.
Big ((Hugs)).
I'm so sorry. I was really hoping for you - and well, for me as well. It looks as though we are again in the same crappy boat and I am feeling pretty helpless too. I'm on to IUI#4 but maybe not right away. Thinking of you and wishing things were easier and better.
Shelby, I feel like even though I am only prepping for my first IUI, I went through the same naive hopetrain when I did my two rounds of Clomid. It's weird. I think even when I say that I have little hope now, I actually have more because I've come to believe one thing that makes us human is how fast we recover from mental/emotional trauma, how fast that renewed streak of hope pops up its head. Otherwise how would we be able to go on? How would we be able to get up? What else would make us stop crying and go to work and get a burrito? We are quite amazing. I don't know if I ever manage separating hope and expectations, but maybe it doesn't matter because I think I may be crushed after a failed cycle anyway. So I just remind myself of my (our) capacity to regain hope after many failures (miscarriages). I will do the same for you--to remind you that there is hope and I have a lot for you too.
I am so sorry, Shelby. Hope in the IF world makes us walk such a fine line. Too much hope and we are sent sinking when it doesn't happen. Too little hope and we wonder why we even bother. I wish this IUI had been the one for you and will hold out hope that the next one is it.
Take all the time you need and know that we are here for you every step of the way.
Damn! I was holding out hope for a late-bloomer...
It is one thing to go into a cycle promising yourself that you will not let hope muck things up for you, but it is very very very hard to maintain that detachment while you are doing everything you can to get something you really really want. It is antithetical to the way we have been taught to approach life. If we work really hard, aren't we supposed to see payoff? If we put in the time, aren't we supposed to get results?
Even if it's all just a random numbers game, I hope #6 is the one that hits the jackpot.
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