Sunday, November 30, 2008

Wasted

Yesterday, Mr. S. and I needed to get away from it all, so we did. We ended up in Napa on a beautiful day and for just a moment's time, standing in the crisp late Fall air with a Cabernet (or two or three) in hand, I almost couldn't remember what I was trying to forget. The list seems to be endless nowadays.

First, I am still in shell shock from Thanksgiving. It was, by far, the worst holiday I have ever experienced. I won't go into the details, but I will say that Mr. S's family was delightful. Mine, not so much. I spent the meal trying hard to ingest what lay on my plate, but not having the stomach to do so. It was dysfunction of the grandest proportions and as someone who desperately avoids drama and has worked hard at having a serene life and a home that can be looked upon as my ultimate haven, I was sickened by it all. Needless to say, I was happy to see it end. Sometimes, family is not all its cracked up to be.

Napa came on the heels of another grand disappointment. We were scheduled for our pre-IUI ultrasound Saturday morning and before we went in, I expressed a number of concerns to several people, including:

1. On cd 2, I had a follie that was already at 12. My fear was that my body, in all it's messed-up glory, had already managed to select a dominant follicle and that no amount of drugs could correct this. However, my NP assured me this was not the case.

2. Originally, my IUI was slated to fall on Thanksgiving day, but the clinic was closed. I asked the NP if there was any way to navigate around this (perhaps within a day or two) and after some calculations on a calendar and some changes in timing with my meds, she said it could be done and that we would instead have our IUI on the following Monday. Monday...four whole days later. I thought that was odd. I was worried that even with moving the meds around, we would miss ovulation. I indicated that rather than risking such a thing happening, I would prefer to skip the entire cycle. However, again, she assured me this would not be the case and being that I am not a medical professional, I deferred to her.

3. After asking for a higher dose of Menopur, the NP recommended that I do another round of C.lomid instead, as I responded so well to it previously. Despite my initial protest, I took her word for it.

So, I had questions and concerns that still felt unanswered. After this initial ultrasound, my fears compounded, but with everything else going on in my life, I couldn't dig deep enough for the energy to correct it. So Saturday morning rolls around and we meet with a doctor (a first in this clinic as we've always seen NPs).

And those suspicions of mine? Yeah. Every single one of them came true, including:

1. On 200 mg of C.lomid, I only had one mature follicle. ONE. No, I take that back, not mature, overripe (almost 26). I had 4 other follies around 12-13. The doc said the other ones would have grown more had my body not already chosen it's star.

2. Judging by the size of that beefcake, it is entirely possible that we have already missed ovulation. For the first time ever, we were instructed to go home and immediately have intercourse, despite the fact that this may drive his count down for Monday morning. But at this point, Monday morning is a bust anyway.

3. The doctor was just as confused as I was about the C.lomid prescription. This was, as I suspected, a step backward.

So here I sit, an entire IUI wasted. It is quite possible that all of this could have been avoided had the nurse practitioner not been more concerned about the convenience of her clinic schedule. I made it clear that if there was any question, I wanted the cycle canceled altogether and moreover, I learned after the fact that there was a sister clinic in another town that would have been able to take us on Thanksgiving day. But after all of the emotion I've invested in everything else, it's hard to find enough outrage to make a big deal about it at this point. I will go in on Monday morning, go through the motions, go on the magic speculum ride, but I believe I've currently found the cure for keeping my expectations low this time around. In a way, it's strangely relieving. This 2 WW will not register on my radar. But hope is becoming more elusive as every day passes.

I will face one more IUI after this. I will request someone else to preside over it and I will demand to be pumped chalk full of Menopur. One last try before January and believe me, when that arrives, there will be no questions left unanswered.

16 comments:

Cassandra said...

That is a lot of medical incompetence for a single cycle. I hope this IUI isn't coming out of your pocket!

There are a lot of doctors who wouldn't go near 250mg of Clomid. Not that you asked for assvice, but if it were me I'd stay far away from that NP if not the whole clinic.

Sorry to hear about your crappy holiday. Napa was a great idea!

Good luck tomorrow, anyway.

Martha said...

What a nightmare, the clinic needs to compensate you for the Idiot NP's oversight. Gosh, I hate clinicians that are all concerned about their schedule.
Good for you both for escaping to Napa. Best Wishes always.

luna said...

oh I'd be furious with your clinic and demand some answers from the RE as to why this cycle was handled so neglectfully. no one wants to pop themselves full of meds for no reason, or pay for useless procedures, let alone waste another month. I can imagine how hard it is to get worked up over this, but I'm mad for you.

sorry about your rotten thanksgiving but happy to hear you enjoyed some good wine and a beautiful day in napa.

Tara said...

That is ridiculous. I am so sorry. Do you want the menopur I have for your next cycle?

Napa sounds fabulous....

Guera! said...

Oh, I wonder if you should talk to the RE and let him (or her) know. IUI's are expensive if not covered by insurance! At the very least they could have told you about the other clinic that was open. I am sure you have already thought about all this but having been through three IUIs I was appalled. Good luck to you and so sorry to hear about your Thanksgiving.

Nikki said...

I'm sorry Shelby! It makes me so angry when NPs and REs don't listen to us!!

I hope they aren't making you pay for this cycle - they shouldn't, considering all they've done wrong!!

Sorry about a sucky Thanksgiving - Napa sounds wonderful!

'Murgdan' said...

OMG. I don't know if even Napa would be enough to calm my nerves after an upheaval like that...maybe the 2-3 Cabernets. Sorry your clinic was so backwards with you this cycle. I don't get it though--they are supposed to know WTF they are doing.

Michelle said...

I am sorry about your cycle. It sometimes seems that we know more then the medical professionals that are suppose to e providing us the best possible care. It is sad and very unfortunate.

I hear you on "sometimes family isn't all it's cracked up to be." My Thanksgiving was not good either. Hang in there! I'll be hoping that maybe something good will happen for you tomorrow.

courtney said...

Shelby, that is terrible. You're absolutely right about the clinic trying to fit you in on their schedule. Once you find out there is a sister clinic that was open, it is just irresponsible of them not to have a plan b (or have switched the plan a in the first place).
I'm really proud of how you're handling it. You seem to be okay (so I'm reading over the internet) and planning for the future. Here's to 'knocked up '09'!

Lost in Space said...

WTF, Shelby?!? I am so pissed just reading this on the screen. I don't know how you didn't rip that doc a new one yesterday. (No, not his fault, but you are still under his care and a NP should not be calling the shots).

I'm so sorry, hun. From the crappy holiday to such a frustrating cycle, I'm so sorry. Many hugs.

Another Dreamer said...

I'm so sorry for all that incompetence and lack of communication. Sorry about your crappy day with your family, at least that's over and done with though. Right? For now?

Keeping you in my thoughts. Sorry this cycle was so craptastic, already.

Lorraine said...

How can they justify taking your money for this cycle? I know it seems too hard to muster the gumption to complain effectively now, but at some point you should make a formal issue of it, if only to establish a record of what happened. It may make a difference in how other women are treated in the future.

Sorry for your lousy Thanksgiving, too. But I love to hear about your sweet husband - he sounds like such a great guy, and with good inlaws, too! I'll be so happy for both of you if it turns out the giant beefcake somehow makes it!

Sarang said...

Damn, damn, damn. I hate medical incompetence. Even worse with the NP not listening to your very valid concerns. I agree with Lorraine and hope you do let your clinic know about the negligent way you were treated. We had a very short-tempered, condescending nurse before our 1st IUI. I was so in shock, I just took it. I was upset the entire night before the procedure. My RE assured me they DO read ALL the comment cards so please fill one out, so I finally did after the 2nd IUI (which was not a bad experience) detailing experience from the (super crappy) 1st time. It was cathartic. And either somebody said something to the NP, or she felt bad on her own, because she apologized the next time she saw me. A token gesture, but it was something.

And I am sorry to hear it was a bad Thanksgiving. I am proposing a ban on this holiday...or at least banning "un-thankful" family.

I Believe in Miracles said...

Oh no. That SUCKS!!! Man, I'd be so angry at the NP. Like never go back to her again. Wow.

I'm so SO SO sorry. Still praying and crossing fingers that this cycle has a chance for you.

Like the new picture and profile update. VERY CUTE!!
~~HUGS~~

Betty Rubble said...

WOW. That seems like such a nightmare! I hope that despite the odds you are able to go pull though and come home with a baby!

Karen said...

S#@% Shelby. I hope the doctor lit into the NP after you met with him. I'm sorry she messed up your cycle.

Are you stuck on that clinic? I'm surprised that they're not open 365 days a year. Is that common where you are?

On the plus side, I hope the Cabernet took some of the edge of.