Tuesday, November 25, 2008

I Want What You Have

Caution: this post is a total downer. I mean, total. Possibly fueled by fertility drugs and anti-holiday sentiment.

I should be spanked. I've been a very naughty ICLWer. I swear I'll catch up, eventually, but I've been so wrapped up in everything that goes along with hosting Thanksgiving at my house (read: HORROR, TERROR, and of course, the ever popular, family dysfunction, which is synonymous with the first two anyway). I don't know if it's the stress of the holiday or the truckload of C.lomid they have me on this month, but I am a pissy little beast. I practically threw a hissy fit when the lady at BevMo carded both of us tonight (even though Mr. S. was buying) and made me go back to the car to get my purse before we could leave with our stash. Do I look 13 to you?? I think I literally stomped back in, threw my license on the counter and muttered expletives loud enough for those within earshot to hear on my way out. When I said BEAST, I really wasn't kidding.

If you knew me, you would be certain I was possessed. I am generally non-confrontational to a fault (I will rarely send back food, even if it's discolored or ice cold-of course, this is also to protect me from the ever-common spit-in-food payback, which is a very real thing behind the scenes, people). I am often slightly tentative in my interactions and am never surprised to learn of my widespread reputations at all of my places of employment as 'the nice girl'. Yeah, I'm totally one of them, agreeable and all, except when I'm pumped full of 200 mg of C.lomid and have been caught in the middle of a week-long family power struggle over who will make the turkey and how it will be done, what the exact temperature and seasoning will be, and how the table will be positioned and how much butter will go into the yams, and so on and so forth. All for yet another holiday without the other person I've been so desperately waiting for. That symbolic empty chair will be there for me. Yeah, I guess I've been letting it get to me.

And I've been letting other things get to me, too. Never before have I faced the holidays with such heavy hurt on my heart. It would be just as well if we skipped December this year. January would be nice, too. Don't get me wrong. Since we were slapped with the label of infertile, the holidays have never been easy, but luckily, thus far, we have had small families that were comprised of only adults. Well, that is, up until this year. Mr. S's cousin, just now approaching his second year of marriage, will bring his beautiful newborn around and that is precisely when I'll wish that the holidays didn't exist at all. Sadly, that child will do only one thing for me at this point: remind me of my own, who would have been due just after New Years. Nothing good will come of it.

Instead of planning holiday decorations and shopping for gifts, I spend what's left of my mental energy on scheming how to avoid the pain at any cost. Asking around about who will be when and where so I can avoid them. I spend more preparation on this task than on the beautiful details I used to get wrapped up in, like making my own cards, wrapping banisters in holly. It all seems so pointless now. I mean, truly pointless. I felt silly decorating for the holidays before and now I wonder if I can even bring myself to see that Christmas bin.

And that holiday party? Yeah, that's not even a go. You see, a woman who got pregnant just a few weeks before I did and shouted it from the rooftops the second her pee evaporated from that stick will have her newborn there. I'm not really fond of her to begin with and she'll be standing there, holding what I've been fighting for for so many years. It came within a matter of months for her, with no afterthought. If I were to make an appearance, almost everyone in that room would shift their eyes at least once from her to me and I know what I would see. I would see pity-the exact emotion I want nothing of. I would be so happy to go away from all of this, take a vacation just long enough to see the holidays through. Yes, that would be lovely if we didn't need every last red cent for IVF now.

I would love to ignore my IF for even a moment's time. I would love to open up at least one present and not have the silent countdown of my baby's due date chanting in my ear. I know I talk about it too much, think about it too much, but not only does it not seem to lessen with time, but the numbers on that calendar only stand to emphasize it.

17 comments:

Nikki said...

I hate clomid. Just hate it. Sorry you're feeling "beastly".

Are you guys going to be this side of town for the weekend? If so - want to meet up for dinner or something? We can ignore the holiday weekend for a bit that way.

Let me know - and please take care of yourself. Hugs to you.

Lost in Space said...

Sorry the Clomid is bringing out the beast. I am also known as the "nice girl" where I work and was told at my last review that I have been much more "aggressive" this year. Ummmmm, yeah, artificial hormones, my friends. Hang in there.

I wish we had a fast forward button to just get through the moments during the holidays that become too much. Protect yourself and only do what you are up for. It is such a hard time of year. Huge hugs.

IdleMindOfBeth said...

Clomid sucks! My poor husband decided my RE should set up a Clomid safe-house for spouses... a place where they can go & not get yelled at one minute and cried on the next.

I have no assive for how to get thru this time of year. Just know that I said a prayer for you to find some peace.

April said...

the holidays are stressful enough without having to fight over turkey, deal with newborns, or fight the surge of IF meds in your system.

:(

**hugs**

Just Me. said...

200mg of clomid sounds awful. I did the whole clomid thing too, i think it was 150mg and i was a mental woman let loose. Babes got really scared of me. :(

I'm sorry if you're feeling really shitty right now. I'll sing the F*!K You Clomid song for you this holiday season.

If you'd like to listen to it, click here: http://ttcwithendo.blogspot.com/2008/07/sunday-monday-clomid-days.html

I wrote this when I was on Clomid and what you've said brings back "lovely" memories that I swear I will never forget.

Huge hugs to you, hun.

luna said...

holidays suck for the childless infertiles, no doubt. clomid sucks even more. take care of yourself and do something nice for you.

Cara said...

Not a downer, just the truth. The random sense that fertility and infertility make - coupled with the lack of common-sense from so many folk in the former category make these times too damn difficult.

I say - make a pie and eat the whole thing yourself!

ILCW

littlezen said...

I so hear you.

banditgirl said...

Shelby, these feelings are totally natural. Holidays are about family in this country (and many others) and the dominant family concept here still involves (biological) kids. It's like holidays are a special feature bonus advertisement for having children, which is really the last thing we need to see or hear! That is exactly why I'm glad our IUI is falling on this weekend and we don't need to spend this holiday with the fam. Instead we will go to the ocean, see friends, read, lounge, have some beers, and just enjoy each other with D. I hope you can get to have some of that with Mr. T. Also, please feel free to call--I'll be around and could show you the thrift-universe of my 'hood (another fantastic mode of therapy).

Lisa said...

I totally feel your pain. I too try to avoid holidays like the plague. I'm so afraid of them this year, i've been dreading them since about June. I have been trying to figure out how I can get out of the entire holiday season, not have to see any happy families and kids, and certainly not buy presents for my nieces and nephews and listen to friends talk about thier fun family holiday plans. I just wish I could crawl into a hole and die.

It doesn't help, that I'm terrified to death of my last IVF cycle failing and my beta is tomorrow -- yep, Thanksgiving Day. It will either be the best or the worst day of my life and be the entire theme for the upcoming hoidays. Will I cross over? Or Will I forever be stuck on the side of infertility?

Hope you make it through. Clomid is so yucky, i'm not surprised you are feeling snappy.

Hang in there.

Karen said...

Clomid is evil in pill form. I swear it drove me nearly crazy. I'm sorry you have to deal with newborns around the holidays, especially ones with parents who who don't know enough to appreciate how lucky they are. I sometimes wish I could just got to sleep the week before Thanksgiving and wake up the week after New Years. I don't have much advice. Usually I recommend wine, but I don't know if that's an option for you now. Instead, I'll just wish that the time passes quickly and your avoidance maneuvers work.

Michelle said...

I know exactly what you are feeling! Jan 14th is the date of my 1st miscarriage so I am counting down as well. The sucky thing is is that it also happens to be my DH birthday. What a great present. Anyway, I am sorry you are feeling down. I am sure Cl.omid has something to do with it. I hope you have a great Thanksgiving despite all the craziness that comes with it. ((HUGS))

Erin said...

We are all beside you, Shelby.
I'd love to drink some whiskey and wake up on January 1, 2009.

Happy Thanksgiving to you, girlfriend!

Love, Erin

alicia said...

ohhh, I am so sorry hun! Clomid is sooo evil how it turns you into a bear, grr i don't miss that stuff! I am sorry the holiday tims is so hard for you, IF just sucks that way. I hope you are able to get through all these hard times. Take care of your self, first priority!

here from iclw

Seriously? - Erin said...

I am sorry that the clomid is driving you wonky. It did for me too. The holidays are so hard after a loss. Last year my MIL gave us some baby books 8 weeks after my loss. I almost lost it in front of everyone.

Wishing you a peaceful holiday season! ICLW.

Stacie said...

My bet is that all of this is the hormones. Clomid did evil things to me, too. I do hope that things calm down soon! Hugs.

ICLW

Sarang said...

Okay, M-Sista. We need a Bowl of Monkeys. Pronto.

Better yet, you let me know where we can get of few of those on-the-rocks 'ritas in your neck of the woods and I'll be there this wknd!

I almost lost it when my niece got a "Little Mommy" baby doll for her birthday present on Saturday. I was like, geez, even the 3-year old has a baby and not me!!