Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Go Big or Go Home

As I walked out of my HMO following my IUI today, a number of things occurred to me. First, I realized that this is likely the last time I will step foot on that campus. After a year and a half, 6 IUIs, thousands of dollars, and one brief pregnancy later, it is very likely that I will walk away empty handed. While I previously prepared myself for this, I'm venturing way too close to those inflated expectations again. It's hard not to do with the outcome of this one. After going all out on this last hurrah, the final stats were:
  • 4 mature follicles (a 5th *almost* there)
  • 12 mm lining
  • First pre-wash Semen analysis for IUI on Monday: 75 mil, 50% motility
  • Second pre-wash SA for IUI on Tuesday: 43 mil, 30% motility
If numbers alone were a factor, I'd be bracing myself for quads. But as we all know, they're not.

The other thing that dawned on me was that if this IUI is not successful, there will be no question in my mind that I have undiagnosed and unexplained female factor infertility because after Mr. S's miracle pills, he is floating right smack dab in the 'normal' range. In essence, his IF seems to have been 'cured' for the time being. Mine, not so much. A lot of people have asked, 'why do you always say you have female factor in addition to male factor?'. True, no doctor has ever given this diagnosis and true, all of my labs have come back normal for two solid years, but in my heart I've always known that I was infertile, even before we were diagnosed. I know that seems crazy and I know you can't diagnose on 'gut' feelings, but I also strongly believe in intuition.

What difference does it make anyway? I mean, IF is about WE not ME, right? Well, like other unexplained IF cases, just because a problem has not been found doesn't mean that one does not exist. I feel that as long as it goes undiagnosed, it will go unsolved, thus diminishing our chances at expanding our family, at least through fertility treatments. The chances are great that I will never have my answer.

So, as I take my graduation walk, I'll try hard not to get my hopes up, but when your nurse practitioner is unknowingly being cruel by telling you that she 'feels really good about this one' and that she thinks you won't even need that IVF after all, you need to start bracing yourself for the crash and burn at the end cause this BFN, folks, just ain't gonna be pretty. And you think I would have learned by now...

17 comments:

Nikki said...

You know I'm a strong believer of the "gut" as well! Sometimes we feel what others can't see or diagnose.

And you're right - irrespective of diagnosis or lack thereof, IF is about the couple - it's a WE as opposed to a ME.

It's good to stay grounded and realistic about your IUI, but it's very needed to have hope as well. Who knows - maybe your NP is right this time. Let's hope so - I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you!

Good luck and Happy New Year!

Cassandra said...

Although your gut may be right about the undiagnosed female factor, I'd caution you against using a single BFN as proof. Given the odds of IUI, it's more likely than not that even with excellent sperm, it won't work.

That said, I'm hoping what I said is moot and that this cycle will be the one. Best wishes!

'Murgdan' said...

...not that I've ever tried anything other than plain old sex at this point...I don't imagine you ever 'get used to it' or learn how not to hold out hope despite a constant letdown. I do hope this one pans out as a miracle for you though...

Michelle said...

I believe in the gut feeling. I knew I had PCOS for 2-3 yrs before they diagnosed me. They kept telling me I did not have it and low and behold I did. So I always say o with your gut. I will keep the hoe alive for you. I will be rooting for you. You deserve the very best!

Karen said...

I believe in "gut" feeling, too. I had a sense that I would have trouble conceiving even though my cycles were pretty regular. I also knew that when my left ovary was removed that my fertility would go downhill even though my RE said no. I just had a feeling so I don't doubt yours.

It's so hard not to get your hopes up. I never mastered that trick. I hope your hopes are right on this time. FWIW,I'll be pulling for you.

Another Dreamer said...

I believe in the gut feeling, I knew early on that there was something wrong... of course I also had physical hints that I was ignoring...

I really hope you get pleasantly surprised with this IUI. My fingers will be crossed.

Chhandita said...

I can understand what you mean by 'gut' feeling..I always KNEW i was infertile, although till now, no official diagnosis has been made, and DH has perfect swimmers...

But I hope in this case, we both are wrong and somehow things wll turn out right...

I Believe in Miracles said...

I'm REALLY hoping for you this cycle. Really hoping.

I do struggle with the "we" vs. "me". Sometimes I want a diagnosis to explain it. This whole "unexplained" bothers me a bunch.

What were the miracle drugs for hubs again?

Happy New Year! I hope this one fullfills all your wishes.

~~HUGS~~

Angry Infertile said...

Hi Shelby, I'm over from L&F. I enjoyed reading your back story. I just finished my 7th IUI (round 5). We are planning on doing 1 more IUI if this doesn't work, then moving onto IVF. I'm scared too.

Tara said...

I hope you are wrong about your gut and this IUI. I truly, truly hope this is the end of your IF life with this cycle. I'm holding on to my hope for you...

hugs, sweetie.

Lost in Space said...

I completely agree with the "gut" feeling too. I even told my bff years ago that I just thought that it would take us awhile. No real reason, just a hunch.

It's hard to not get our hopes up with each cycle. I truly hope we are celebrating with you in a couple weeks. We are here no matter what. Hugs.

MamaSoon said...

Intuition is a powerful force.

I hope your IUI works out. Good luck.

Sarang said...

My own intuition is so off. I was sure I would be pregnant the first try (or at least couple of tries)! I've always felt "nothing's wrong", but 2 years and 4 months later, that is clearly not the case. "Unexplained" really just meaning "undiagnosed".

Shelby, I have my *fingers crossed* for you and am hoping for your miracle in the new year. Wishing for you!

The Swann's said...

This is why support is a necessity for IF sufferers... We'll have hope for you when you can't seem to find it yourself! I can't wait to hear how these two weeks treat ya and the POAS start up! :-)

Miracles do happen...

itsazooaroundhere said...

Hi Shelby,

Found your blog through Creme de la Creme, and I've spent the afternoon getting caught up! We have lots in common - I'm 31, live 40 minutes from SF, been with my husband for 11 years, dealing with MFI for about 4 years. AND, we're getting ready for our first IVF/ICSI in March!

I'm going to check out the drop-in IF group in the city...and I'll definitely keep reading along. Your posts (and Mr. S's) are just so much fun to read.

Good luck to you with the IUI and the IVF you're planning on!

Betsy (itsazooaroundhere)

PS - I'm a fellow Gemini...sounds like our birthdays are just a couple days apart!

Jendeis said...

Hey, just wanted to let you know that I tagged you!

MamaSoon said...

Hi there. I was thinking about how cute you blog title is when I started thinking... it isn't an IF anymore for me. It is a when. One way or another right?

hows the 2 week wait?