Sunday, December 14, 2008

Steel Magnolias

I am sitting here just a week shy of my infertility brain post, where I waxed on about being miserable and such, and have come to realize that this is a true illustration of IF's roller coaster for me. One minute you're up, one minute you're down. I happen to be 'up' in this very moment, but find me in a day, or perhaps even 30 minutes, and you might find my roller coaster plunging it's way down into a dark tunnel.

I'm fully expecting my beta tomorrow to be yet another BFN. Why? Oh, I don't know, it could be that my HMO completely missed my ovulation or that I logically grasp the odds of 1:1,000,000. We however, did not miss my ovulation, but conception with just drugs and intercourse alone would be a flat out miracle for us. For that matter, conception with just IUI would be a miracle. Screw that. Conception with IVF would be a miracle and boy howdy, I'll take it any way I can get it. Even if it means forking over our life savings and then some *gag* *cough* (still clearly reeling from the price tag over here). And although I am expecting this BFN tomorrow, it will certainly be yet another story of the downward ride. Some BFNs are worse than others (I'm guessing this is especially true after IVF), but each and every one of them suck just the same, reminders that what I have been fighting and longing for is just that much farther away.

I must say, the more I ride this roller coaster, the more I realize that women who can survive infertility and live to tell about it are some of the strongest women on Earth, true s.teel magnolias (which I was in during high school-as Dolly Parton's character-ha!). If I am among them at the end of this ride, that is, if I'm not sitting in a psychiatric ward babbling to myself about failed cycles, I'll be pretty damn proud of myself. Speaking of which, I met with some of my lovely sistas in crime today for what has become an almost weekly Sunday brunch/lunch meeting during which we loudly and publicly discuss sore boobs, messy Progesterone suppositories, panty liners and REs positioning their heads too closely to our nether regions. It is fantastic! I always try to spy the look on the faces near us, but so far I haven't caught anyone looking curiously in our direction. If I do, I'll just have to laugh, but I won't even begin to censor my words. First, that's not my personality, and second, this is too good of a thing to edit. They are all my true saving grace nowadays.

If you'll recall a while back, October 15th was National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, a time during which we were all asked to light a candle in memory of the little angels lost to miscarriage or still birth. I believe we don't need a designated day to remember or to speak up, especially as the time calls for it. As I leave you, I am hoping that you'll light a candle for a dear IF buddy of mine who just miscarried after an FET last month. This was her first little angel and I am praying, the last little angel she'll have to say goodbye to. Keep her in your thoughts.

14 comments:

Nikki said...

Keeping our friend in my thoughts as well.

I too was wondering what the people around us must think - imagine their thoughts going "Did I hear those ladies talk about cervical mucus???? YUCKKKK" :-)

Great to catch up again - good luck with everything!!

'Murgdan' said...

You are right that the people able to ride this roller coaster and survive are the strongest women on earth...and remember that YOU are included in that. You'll make it no matter what the beta shows. (but I'm still pissed at your NP for screwing everything up)...but I'm still hoping for your miracle.

Michelle said...

Sometimes this whole roller coaster ride really makes me want to throw up!!!!

I will keep your friend in my thoughts as well as you. Good Luck!

Erin said...

You're right: those of us who travel this road and manage to survive are INDEED the strongest of all women. I hear people brag about how pregnancy and giving birth is the most painful experience... I invite those braggers to endure a few rounds of (failed) IVFs, then tell me who's strongest.

Thinking of your friend and lighting a candle...

Hope2morrow said...

You do realize this makes you a "Steel Magnolia" too, right?

Another Dreamer said...

I am with you on the woman surviving this being the strongest woman ever, and I hope we all come out of this however we have to, so long as we survive. I will be thinking of your friend. And I will be thinking of you and those elusive beta results.

Nikki said...

Shelby - I just tagged you and nominated you for the Brillante Weblog award. Details on my blog!

Karen said...

I totally agree with you about the women who come out the other side of infertility being some of the strongest women on earth. To refuse to let IF destroy you, especially after repeated disappointments, is a great feat.

I'm jealous of your weekly brunch group. It sounds like just the thing for an infertile girl.

Good luck tomorrow! I know the chances are slim, but it's hard not to hope you'll be the one to beat the odds.

Lori said...

I've ALWAYS thought of you as a ste.el magnolia. But not the Dolly Parton one. The Julia Roberts one. And not because of her plotline...I'm sure you can guess why.

Abiding with you tomorrow, no matter the answer.

Sarang said...

Thank you, Shelby, for helping this roller coaster ride have more "highs" for me.

I, too, glanced around mid bite and then thought to hell with it! It's just too good to censor.

Am lighting a candle and sending a little prayer for our IF sister~

Just Me. said...

I'm thinking of your friend and just wanna let you know, you're my Steel Magnolia!

(((hugs)))

Tara said...

Thinking of you and your friend today.

banditgirl said...

My Steel Magnolia M-Sis-we are so grateful for giving us/me hope, strength, knowledge (specific reference to today's email exchange :), love, smiles, and joy, yes, joy. Our semi-weekly brunches have given me more than any therapy or book or meditation has. Thank you so much. It's so true: I cannot even imagine what a failed IVF must feel like, but my failed IUI was the most traumatizing event I've experienced so far along this journey. But that's how I felt when I miscarried too. And that's how I'm gonna feel when I have another failed IUI. Hopefully not, but I feel like I need to be prepared. I'd say if it's BFN, do have a lemon drop for all of us too!

Lost in Space said...

Together we will make it to through this hellish journey. If for some reason though, we end up in the same padded room I like to sleep nearest the door. (-;

I am so sick of this rollercoaster and so tired of my friends going through it too. I'm on a downhill swing myself hoping to climb again once more someday soon. Hang in there and know that we are here for you no matter where you are.

I am so jealous of your little get togethers. What's the drive time from L.A. to S.F.? Room for one more at the inn?

Hugs, Shelby.