It used to be that when an IUI was around the corner, all of my sights were fine tuned to that direction. It was the big event of the surrounding months, one that much of my mental energy was devoted towards. My daytime thoughts often included, "oh, just 10 more hours until I pop the c.lomid!" or "just 5 more hours until I trigger!" Now, as I approach IUI #1,000, er, #7, I'm barely remembering to shoot myself full of drugs each night. I laughed when the pharmacist gave me the option for a consult, thinking, "lady, you have no idea what an IUI pro I am. I have a PhD in insemination, bitches!"
Our IUI is a double one this time: double the injectable meds, double the insemination, and likely falling on Monday and Tuesday of next week. We're going hardcore. But it actually took me a moment to recall these details. Despite the fact that I've been down this road a million times before, I should remember because as it stands, this is the end of the line, the last straw before turning to IVF. I did this cycle knowing that when I looked back, the 'what ifs' wouldn't be there to nag me, that I wouldn't be able to wonder whether I had blown through tens of thousands of dollars before riding the lesser procedure well into the sunset. Well, the sun is almost below the horizon now and it's clearly time to move on. This IUI is my graduation walk.
I have very few expectations, I guess mostly because I have so much of my emotion devoted to my upcoming IVF. But I must say, I accomplished the goal I set out to reach. After we miscarried in June, I promised myself that I would do an IUI in both October and November and look into a December or January IVF. I did better than that. I somehow managed to throw an IUI into December as well. 3 cycles, back-to-back, without taking a breath. Make that four if you count our upcoming IVF, which we'll begin immediately after the BFN from this one. Ok, so meeting this goal isn't exactly getting the Nobel Prize in Literature, but it was gratifying nevertheless and seemed to have saved my sanity by mimicking forward motion. For a girl itching to take off, running in place is a better option than sitting, I suppose.
7 comments:
Good for you! I will be hoping and crossing my fingers for you!
As always - fingers crossed for you sweetie - and seriously, let's hope you don't have to go down the IVF route!
You're right - for someone itching to take off, running in place is better than sitting. (Which, you've seen on my post, is what I'm being forced to do AAARRRGGGHHH!!)
Good for you, Shelby for working on so hard on this goal. I so wish it happens soon, Best of Health and Happiness to you in the New Year.
Here's hoping the third time's the charm!
I had to laugh at your description of becoming blase about the medications - I remember the first few cycles, I would pull up the instructional videos on the pharmaceutical websites and follow along to be sure I did everything perfectly. By this cycle, I was just eyeballing ccs and hoping I wasn't forgetting something...
...hoping your graduation IUI is a success...I think it's good enough you're an IUI expert...I hope you don't have to become an IVF expert too.
I really do hope you don't have to go through the IVF road. But if you do, just know that I'm here.
2009 will be here very soon and I know it's hard, especially when a year ends. But I will be praying that all goes well for you and by the end of 2009, you would have that sweet resolution in your arms.
Merry X'mas, Shelby and huge hugs coming your way.
(((hugs)))
Yup, you did it, Shelby!! It may have not been the end result you wanted, but you are leaving no stone unturned. That alone has to bring some peace!
I truly hope this IUI is the one to work for you, but share your feelings in preparing that it won't. May we both be surprised with our next cycles. (-;
Oh, and the meds cracked me up too. I used to take the day off work waiting for the package to arrive. Today I got another call from FedEx to come get my package before they sent it back. Whatever.....
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