There have been a number of helpful lists floating around detailing what not to say to your average infertile (or anyone for that matter, as you have no idea what their situation might actually be). Once I 'come out of the closet', I plan on letting loose these lists to the wind, in hopes they might spread like wildfire across the globe (hey, a girl can dream, even if that dream is a tad, um, delusional). But something struck me as I was nursing a headache in a scalding hot shower tonight (this is where I concoct most blog topics). Fertiles, many of whom have been known to be quite dense around the skull area, might not understand why they are not to say some of these things. Therefore, I have created a sister list to accompany the original to help ease their comprehension. I present to you:
The Complete Infertile Translation Guide
Fertile says: "When are you going to have kids?"
Infertile hears: "Oh, I just wanted to remind you that even after all of those treatments, you're still childless. Congratulations on being a failure."
Fertile says: "Just Relax"
Infertile hears: "It's all your fault. If you weren't so high strung, you'd have a baby by now."
Fertile says: "Maybe you're not ready. It'll happen when it's right."
Infertile hears: "You clearly don't have things together. You probably can't even wipe your own bum without help, so it's a good thing you don't have a child."
Fertile says: "God will let it happen when He feels it's time."
Infertile hears: "And clearly God finds you to be undeserving at the moment."
Fertile says: "If you want kids, you better not wait much longer."
Infertile hears: "You cared about indulging yourself and your career more than you ever cared about children."
Fertile says: "Oh my God. My husband looks at me and I get pregnant."
Infertile hears: "You must be defective, then, cause it works for me! Neener neener neeener!"
Fertile says: "It'll happen. Don't worry."
Infertile hears: "There's no real medical reasoning behind infertility. You just must be suffering from delusions or hysteria. Perhaps both."
Fertile says: "Why don't you just adopt?"
Infertile hears: "Face it. You can't have kids, so why don't you stop complaining and take the consolation prize already?"
Fertile says: "My friend's sister's cousin couldn't get pregnant, so here's what she did..."
Infertile hears: "You are obviously too idiotic to figure out the act of intercourse, so let me tutor you..."
Fertile says: "You shouldn’t be so down about this. You should move on. You have a lot to be thankful for."
Infertile hears: "Your pain is inconsequential and you're completely overreacting. Silly, silly infertile."
I left out some of the more idiotic comments (God doesn't think you deserve kids) because there's no need for translation. Besides, I'm not sure anyone making those comments would have the cognitive functioning to understand (or in any case read) the above list anyway.
Perhaps this is not quite the complete translation guide, at least not until I get a few from you. Any additional entries I missed?