Tuesday, September 9, 2008

The Complete Infertile Translation Guide

There have been a number of helpful lists floating around detailing what not to say to your average infertile (or anyone for that matter, as you have no idea what their situation might actually be). Once I 'come out of the closet', I plan on letting loose these lists to the wind, in hopes they might spread like wildfire across the globe (hey, a girl can dream, even if that dream is a tad, um, delusional). But something struck me as I was nursing a headache in a scalding hot shower tonight (this is where I concoct most blog topics). Fertiles, many of whom have been known to be quite dense around the skull area, might not understand why they are not to say some of these things. Therefore, I have created a sister list to accompany the original to help ease their comprehension. I present to you:

The Complete Infertile Translation Guide

Fertile says: "When are you going to have kids?"
Infertile hears: "Oh, I just wanted to remind you that even after all of those treatments, you're still childless. Congratulations on being a failure."

Fertile says: "Just Relax"
Infertile hears: "It's all your fault. If you weren't so high strung, you'd have a baby by now."

Fertile says: "Maybe you're not ready. It'll happen when it's right."
Infertile hears: "You clearly don't have things together. You probably can't even wipe your own bum without help, so it's a good thing you don't have a child."

Fertile says: "God will let it happen when He feels it's time."
Infertile hears: "And clearly God finds you to be undeserving at the moment."

Fertile says: "If you want kids, you better not wait much longer."
Infertile hears: "You cared about indulging yourself and your career more than you ever cared about children."

Fertile says: "Oh my God. My husband looks at me and I get pregnant."
Infertile hears: "You must be defective, then, cause it works for me! Neener neener neeener!"

Fertile says: "It'll happen. Don't worry."
Infertile hears: "There's no real medical reasoning behind infertility. You just must be suffering from delusions or hysteria. Perhaps both."

Fertile says: "Why don't you just adopt?"
Infertile hears: "Face it. You can't have kids, so why don't you stop complaining and take the consolation prize already?"

Fertile says: "My friend's sister's cousin couldn't get pregnant, so here's what she did..."
Infertile hears: "You are obviously too idiotic to figure out the act of intercourse, so let me tutor you..."

Fertile says: "You shouldn’t be so down about this. You should move on. You have a lot to be thankful for."
Infertile hears: "Your pain is inconsequential and you're completely overreacting. Silly, silly infertile."

I left out some of the more idiotic comments (God doesn't think you deserve kids) because there's no need for translation. Besides, I'm not sure anyone making those comments would have the cognitive functioning to understand (or in any case read) the above list anyway.

Perhaps this is not quite the complete translation guide, at least not until I get a few from you. Any additional entries I missed?


Another Dreamer said...

I have got this one a couple of times, "You're lucky you can't have kids!" I actually had a co-worker go on to tell me how lucky I am I won't have to go through pregnancy, because I'm not missing out on anything and what it does to your body... I wanted to drop kick her in the face.

or, how about, "Take my kids for a couple of hours, the you won't want any!"


Thanks for posting that, I like it!

luna said...

excellent post, shelby. I've had every single one said to me in some form or another, except the last one.

another variation is "are you SURE you want to have kids" and "it's not too late to change your mind" (usually said while a parent is busy, well, parenting), and "you have NO idea how LUCKY you are..." (said by more than one ungrateful parent).

I even had a family member tell me one time that SHE (they) didn't have the LUXURY of NOT having children (while complaining about what little free time they have). yeah, haven't talked to HER since then.

Nikki said...

Oh yes - the list! I love these - and yes, have been told / asked all of these at some point. A few twists I got were:

1) God doesn't ever give you more than you can handle.
2) You have such a great marriage. Count your blessings - focus on the positives
3) You're so lucky not to have children! You can wake up whenever you want, sleep in late, and not have to bother about anything!

Lorraine said...

Great list! Maybe we can all just plaster the ladies rooms of the country with this list - sign me up for southern CA!

My big Irish Catholic family mostly thinks that I am trying to mess with things that mere mortals are not supposed to even question. The whole idea of IVF is just considered to be so wrong that I've decided to "stay in the closet", too - for now, at least.

Lost in Space said...

Great, great list, Shelby!! You nailed it on every one. Perfect for a Friends/Family reference. I am bookmarking this. (:

I Believe in Miracles said...

Love this list!!

courtney said...

This is really funny. I completely agree. I can't tell you how many people have told me to 'get all the sleep you can now', and it just rubs me the wrong way. Don't they understand? We would gladly give up sleep to raise little human beings. Funny list, I'm with you.

Murgdan said...

Ahahaha! Love your list! I might print it out and hang it on the fridge (if I come out of the IF closet)!

MamaSoon said...

I've had the 'why don't you just adopt?' twice this month. ugg. once it was say during a hug. it took a lot not to punch her in the belly while I was so close.

nice collection you got there.