Monday, September 22, 2008

Charmed, I'm Sure

Now seriously, what is it about the shower that inspires blog posts in me? Could it be that this is the one and only time in my day when I slow down just long enough to hear my own thoughts? This is entirely possible. Tonight, I experienced what can only be termed 'thought ADHD'. I can officially diagnose this as I am, stand back, a credentialed professional. Haha. Or at least I play one on TV.

So, while standing there admiring my amazing conditioner in all it's de-tangling glory, it dawned on me that so many of my friends have said the absolute wrong things to me and most of these comments came in the wake of my miscarriage. As you read, you may begin to question the quality of my friend picking instrument, but I assure you that in general, it is a solid device and the good seeds generally outweigh the bad. The bad just often cast a more noticeable glare in my eyes as of late.

For instance, upon hearing of the sudden cancellation of my party, a friend e-mailed to see if I was OK. I decided to not be 'in the closet' with the miscarriage and explained what had happened to which she replied, "Oh, well I thought maybe something really horrible had happened like a relative or a pet died."

Um, if you weren't reading closely enough, you might have noticed that yes, someone did die. My child, point in fact. But something tells me that like most, this not-quite-a-person hadn't yet qualified in her eyes.

Just a few days ago, this same person left a comment on my 'real' blog in response to my new job, remarking that I had a 'charmed' life. Really? Charmed? Anyone who thinks losing a baby is a charming experience is pretty twisted. Yes, while possibly innocent and most importantly, ignorant, this chick is completely on my shit list now.

Let's see, what else? Oh, yeah. Another friend likened my miscarriage to her abortion at 18. Yeah. She told me that she knew what I was going through. I can sympathize that it must have been so difficult for her, but to make the choice to lose a child after a 'whoops' and to lose the child you have been fighting to get after 4 years of trying is hardly synonymous. I know she was only trying to reach out, but it was a tasteless move.

Then, of course, I got the requisite, "it's so common!". My friend of 22 years decided to tell people at the office and found out that not one, but three co-workers had had miscarriages. "It happens all the time!"

Wow. Thanks, friend. Somehow, my loss is completely meaningless now. What would have I done without you showing me the light? Probably felt sorry for myself, that's what I would have done, but now I can move on! Hallelujah!
(Tonight's role as the bitter infertile will be played by Shelby!)

There were a litany of other comments, and most of them, I will admit, were said out of good intentions. But this was just a little slice of reminder telling me, "yes, you should stay in the IF closet, because if you don't, this will happen, only on a much larger scale!" I agree with Nikki. It is hard to be the friend of an infertile if you are not infertile yourself. We are a sensitive bunch, with our feelings bubbling just below the surface. But all we need is love. Just ask the Beatles. It's true. A hug, an 'I'm sorry'. Save the completely irrelevant and tasteless tales for another day. Some of my best friends sent cards and one sent flowers, which meant the world to me. That's all they needed to do. I learned a lot about the people around me in this process and thankfully, in most cases, I liked what I saw.


luna said...

ugh, the stupid things people say. sometimes there's just a complete lack of understanding about the nature of the loss, and sometimes it's an idiotic attempt to make you feel "better" by diminishing the significance of the loss or trying to "fix" you (e.g., it happens all the time, you're still young, at least you can get pregnant, etc.) I've never heard of likening it to an abortion, that's a new one for me. geez.

Just Me. said...

I don't know why people say things like that. Initially, I did tell friends about our problems with IF. After a while, I realised, it was a huge mistake to do so. Babes thinks that I'm too sensitive sometimes, but I think it's cuz he's not IN the realm of how depressing things can get in the IF world that he doesn't understand.

There are no words to describe when one deals with the aftermath of a miscarriage. My friend just told me recently, IF YOU MISCARRY THIS CHILD, THEN AT LEAST YOU KNOW THAT YOU GOT PREGNANT ONCE. AND IF YOU CAN GET PREGNANT ONCE, IT CAN HAPPEN AGAIN. Of course, that got me riled up! WTF?!

Why would people want to say such things to "fix" someone's pain? Personally, I want somebody to acknowledge it. Tell me that it hurts, tell that it's ok to grieve. I hate it when people avoid the pain and "try" to make it better. Ok that's me rambling now.

I couldn't agree more. All we need is love.

ps In the bloggy world, I am known to have ADHD and I think, I've been known to have a potty mouth too.LOL. :)

Simply AnonyMom said...

I am so sorry you had to deal with such insensitive people.


Trace said...

Ugh! People just don't think.

Tara said...

Some people just don't get it. It's incredible what people say with good intentions that make you want to hit them square in the face!! haha

Hang in there - the bitter days happen. We just have to get through them the best way we can!

Nikki said...

Oh yeah - those comments! I don't know why it is so hard for people to put their brains and hearts on before they speak.

In a situation of pain like a m/c, when friendships are tested, and it becomes clear which friends are true friends and which are not, it does often bring to mind a doubt about our friend selection skills. But I guess we all have some that fit into each category!

Beautiful Mess said...

Oh how frustrating! There's no way to say it other then it sucks! I hope you find peace in your heart. Shower time is ALWAYS my place for my thoughts to run wild.
Enjoy your day

Another Dreamer said...

People are so insensitive, especially in regards to a miscarriage. I found that out the hard way to. I also found out how bad they can be about infertility.

With my miscarriage I was lucky to get one, "I'm sorry for your loss."
Everyone else pretty much told me to buck up, because it could have been worse... I don't even want to get started on that.

It's ignorance. Plain and simple. Sorry they were so cruel to you, that people are so cruel to all of us. It's not fair to suffer as we do, and then have people rub it in and belittle what we're going through. Not fair at all.

Aunt Becky said...

The tasteless things that people say constantly shock me. I'm so very sorry that you had to go through that.

I'm here from ICLW and I'll be back as your writing speaks to me.

Martha said...

I'm so sorry about your loss. I'm sorry you have to put up with insensitive remarks. ((Hugs)) Visiting from ILCW.

Rebecca said...

People say the dumbest things when they are uncomfortable and are trying to make you feel better. My first child was born after multiple IVFs and then miraculously I got pregnant naturally in the spring. Unfortunately it ended up in a miscarriage. I think the most common thing I heard was how often it happened to other people or how someone they knew or some family member had also had a miscarriage. But none of those other people had trouble getting pregnant to begin with!!! That is what most people don't understand.

Mama Bear said...

sorry for your loss---- I know how you feel about the comments- I think my "fav" is when people tell me well at least you know you CAN get pregnant

I Believe in Miracles said...

This is a well written post. Love it. I wanted to punch that lady. Are you kidding me?! Grr. Hubby thinks I need to "stop being so sensitive". But I'm glad to know I'm not the only one out their who is. Even though I wish we all weren't here.

theworms said...

I'm so sorry you had to deal with those comments on top of you're loss. People just don't think.


Photogrl said...

People say the dumbest things.

Like you said, all they need to do is say, "sorry" or give you a hug.

Instead they try to say something to make themselves feel better. And end up hurting the one who is already hurting.


CappyPrincess said...

I'm sorry that some people just don't get it.

On a lighter note, I can so relate to the "ideas in the shower" thing. It's become a bit of a joke between my BFF and I - when I'm stuck on something she'll ask if I need to take a shower... it really can help you focus.