I am always glad I make the trek to San Francisco for my monthly drop-in IF meetings, even if I don't get home until 10:20 PM (and even on the eve of my first day of work). 45 minutes drive time in rush hour traffic, $8 in bridge tolls, $8 in parking, and frazzled treks on city streets mazing through tourists and homeless people begging for booze change, and WALLAH! -in exchange, a ticket to a small world of people who totally GET IT-who don't tell you to 'just relax' or that maybe God is trying to tell you you're undeserving. So, yeah, it's completely worth it. Call me a fan.
The few people who are 'regulars' are absolutely fabulous. There's M, who is 41 and will be heading into her 4th IVF-I think (2nd with donor eggs) and L who was curiously absent after her last IUI (perhaps it did the trick? I hope!). And me, somewhere in between these two lovely ladies in terms of treatment. There is a scatter of new people every time we meet and it's wonderful to be riding the same boat across the same waters with them, something I had never tasted in my own life previously. My favorite part is the updates. I want to find out what has happened since we last met, what new conclusions, if any, have arisen and in the course of explaining my next plans the other night, I realized that I have a dilemma (albeit a slight one, but one nevertheless).
For my sanity I want (and sometimes think 'need') to start a cycle NOW. Like yesterday. Only, yesterday would have been inconvenient as it was something like cd15. So, that means that IF I am regular, (the big IF, which seems to run my life in multiple ways) it should be only another couple of weeks before I pop the clomid like tasty little ovary-stimulating candy and get a ticket for the dildo cam ride once again. But, like I said, I have a dilemma. A sanity versus money dilemma, perhaps.
I'm straddling the fence with two REs: one is through an HMO where I can get $300 IUIs, and the other is through a PPO (with a HUGE deductible and very limited coverage that we would like to save for the big guns) whose clomid IUIs are $950. Because of my late start at work, my HMO coverage doesn't start until October, which means I might have to wait until the cycle after next. If I do, I'll save over $600, something that, while chump change in the BIG BAD world of IVF, will be helpful nevertheless. But something in me questions whether a savings of $600 might compromise my sanity right now. If I have to wait any longer to move forward (my D&C was in mid-June), I might just cuss out the next pregnant chick I see on the street. (Ok, that was a bit extreme, and while I feel that way (especially about our pregnant waitress tonight whose meal-long conversation about her pregnancy with a co-worker was within earshot of us), I don't quite have the violent tendencies to act on it).
Wow. Kudos to me. I just found a way to use even more parentheses! And if you followed that thought, double kudos to you. Anyway, on with the show...
I realize that this is partly an issue of control. I need to feel like I am doing something to make this goal happen instead of just sitting here. The year that we 'took off' treatment after we moved back to California was not a good one. Not only was I overwhelmed with my job and missing my home and friends in Idaho (and regretting our decision to move back-that's a whole other can of worms) but I was mad at myself for not getting my shit together, missing some work days, and shelling the bucks out to the RE. At the time, it just seemed too much to bite off with our transition. But now, I wonder, what if? Would I be a year ahead of what I am now? Might I actually have a child?
But now, as we are where we are, would a month make a difference? It's hard to say. I doubt it, but then logic isn't driving this train anymore. She left a looong time ago, only to be replaced by a slightly deranged conductor with tunnel vision and an insatiable need to make babies. Don't let anyone or anything get in her way (or you may lose a limb-you've been warned)! Mr. S is perfectly ok with shelling out the extra 600 if it means I won't transform into a raging lunatic. While I don't think that'll happen (or in any case it has already happened, so there's not much one can do about it), I'm still antsy. It's just that every second in the reality of IF feels like a century and I'm ready for the next millennium already.