Friday, September 5, 2008


I am always glad I make the trek to San Francisco for my monthly drop-in IF meetings, even if I don't get home until 10:20 PM (and even on the eve of my first day of work). 45 minutes drive time in rush hour traffic, $8 in bridge tolls, $8 in parking, and frazzled treks on city streets mazing through tourists and homeless people begging for booze change, and WALLAH! -in exchange, a ticket to a small world of people who totally GET IT-who don't tell you to 'just relax' or that maybe God is trying to tell you you're undeserving. So, yeah, it's completely worth it. Call me a fan.

The few people who are 'regulars' are absolutely fabulous. There's M, who is 41 and will be heading into her 4th IVF-I think (2nd with donor eggs) and L who was curiously absent after her last IUI (perhaps it did the trick? I hope!). And me, somewhere in between these two lovely ladies in terms of treatment. There is a scatter of new people every time we meet and it's wonderful to be riding the same boat across the same waters with them, something I had never tasted in my own life previously. My favorite part is the updates. I want to find out what has happened since we last met, what new conclusions, if any, have arisen and in the course of explaining my next plans the other night, I realized that I have a dilemma (albeit a slight one, but one nevertheless).

For my sanity I want (and sometimes think 'need') to start a cycle NOW. Like yesterday. Only, yesterday would have been inconvenient as it was something like cd15. So, that means that IF I am regular, (the big IF, which seems to run my life in multiple ways) it should be only another couple of weeks before I pop the clomid like tasty little ovary-stimulating candy and get a ticket for the dildo cam ride once again. But, like I said, I have a dilemma. A sanity versus money dilemma, perhaps.

I'm straddling the fence with two REs: one is through an HMO where I can get $300 IUIs, and the other is through a PPO (with a HUGE deductible and very limited coverage that we would like to save for the big guns) whose clomid IUIs are $950. Because of my late start at work, my HMO coverage doesn't start until October, which means I might have to wait until the cycle after next. If I do, I'll save over $600, something that, while chump change in the BIG BAD world of IVF, will be helpful nevertheless. But something in me questions whether a savings of $600 might compromise my sanity right now. If I have to wait any longer to move forward (my D&C was in mid-June), I might just cuss out the next pregnant chick I see on the street. (Ok, that was a bit extreme, and while I feel that way (especially about our pregnant waitress tonight whose meal-long conversation about her pregnancy with a co-worker was within earshot of us), I don't quite have the violent tendencies to act on it).

Wow. Kudos to me. I just found a way to use even more parentheses! And if you followed that thought, double kudos to you. Anyway, on with the show...

I realize that this is partly an issue of control. I need to feel like I am doing something to make this goal happen instead of just sitting here. The year that we 'took off' treatment after we moved back to California was not a good one. Not only was I overwhelmed with my job and missing my home and friends in Idaho (and regretting our decision to move back-that's a whole other can of worms) but I was mad at myself for not getting my shit together, missing some work days, and shelling the bucks out to the RE. At the time, it just seemed too much to bite off with our transition. But now, I wonder, what if? Would I be a year ahead of what I am now? Might I actually have a child?

But now, as we are where we are, would a month make a difference? It's hard to say. I doubt it, but then logic isn't driving this train anymore. She left a looong time ago, only to be replaced by a slightly deranged conductor with tunnel vision and an insatiable need to make babies. Don't let anyone or anything get in her way (or you may lose a limb-you've been warned)! Mr. S is perfectly ok with shelling out the extra 600 if it means I won't transform into a raging lunatic. While I don't think that'll happen (or in any case it has already happened, so there's not much one can do about it), I'm still antsy. It's just that every second in the reality of IF feels like a century and I'm ready for the next millennium already.


Lorraine said...

Yep, yep and yep. I am still kicking myself for taking a "year off". I might have really needed it for my sanity then, but my sanity now is suffering.

Of course, money is the big #*%! in this whole process. I am perfectly willing to take the crazy-making drugs and ice my bruises and schlep myself through the 2WW. It just sucks to realize how much each of those bruises actually costs.

Trace said...

Money is a huge driving force w/ART. I've kicked myself for the decisions we made so many times. Good luck with your decision making!

Lost in Space said...

I am so glad you have a group of IRL people who just "get" how much this journey sucks sometimes. What a great support.

Money is such a big decision maker in this game, but to me 600 bucks for my sanity is money well spent.

Try not to think about decisions you made in the past. You make them with where you are at during that time. It's so easy to look back and say "What if?", but when you are in the thick of it, you do the best you can with what you have at that time. No regrets. (:

Sending lots of hugs as you work through where to go from here.

Nikki said...

Totally get it.... money plays such a huge role in this, and it's so not fair to have to deal with financial stress on top of IF stress!

You're right - logically 1 month makes no difference, and maybe you'll convince yourself to wait for your HMO coverage. If I were in your shoes, I'd be rearing to get going too. (I am in similar shoes - same brand, different size - and I'm ready to get started but can't - at least till the end of Oct, and I know how the waiting is KILLING me!!)

Good luck with what you decide. Sometimes $600 is a small price for one's sanity, and sometimes logic takes an upper hand :-)

MamaSoon said...

Good luck to you! I have been forced to take 9 months off so far and I hate it. I want to be in the game of trying to make my family.

See you in the insane conductors' employee lounge. ;-)

Hope2morrow said...

OH, dear! I think the hardest part of this journey is that there is no black and white. You make decisions on how you feel and where you are financially at that time. I think you need to leave the past in the past first off to help you get off this crazy train. You made decisions long ago for whatever reason and things are exactly how they are supposed to be.
We have to live in the now. So- in my opinion (since you asked), is- do you have something else you need to spend that $600 on? I not, go for it, honey! Good luck and let us know what you decide!

Just Me. said...

Well, when I was told that I needed to go for my lap, hysteroscopy and d&c in March, I wasn't sure if I should go or not cuz i was still on a waiting period with my insurance company. We had just migrated last year and we had to wait for a year before we could "reap" our benefits. I had to wait till July 08 before I could claim for the operation costs which involved doctor's fees and what's not. It added up to almost $3000 out of pocket expenses.

But I made the decision to spend on that $3,000 on my operation instead of waiting. I just had to tell myself that I'll sacrifice a Chanel bag if i had to.

It's hard not to look back and think oh, if only I had done this and if only i had done that. I used to do that and beat myself out alot. Seriously, sometimes, I still do.

Anyway, I'm rambling.

Let us know how you go and huge hugs coming your way.


ps. there's a video being played on my blog. I think it's a great song for IF. Drop by if you need some inspiration.

I Believe in Miracles said...

this is super encouraging with regards to getting involved in an IF support group. i'm thinking about finding one here.

sorry about the tough decisions. ones with $ are just tough, especially with the this, if that, and if this works, won't need that... good luck with the decision!!

courtney said...

I wish I had a smart, wittycomment to make about how money doesn't matter... but it does. There is always the hope that things can happen 'naturally' with opk's and such, but ... I too suffer from lack of sanity sometimes...
Good luck with your decision.