Pardon my French, but IF is a constant mind fuck. I'm not sure how better to put it. My RE is convinced that Ms. AF (the first since our miscarriage) is bound to come very soon as she saw my little follie all beefed up and raring to go on the 5th. If Ms. AF does not make her grand entrance by this Monday, they want me to come in for a PG blood test. WTF?
I can't tell you how much I loathe PG tests. I have seen a million and one of these suckers sitting on the top of my toilet and all but one made me feel like an idiot for letting myself think, even for a split second, that 2 lines could even be a possibility for me. I'm there again. HAHAHA. (that's the sound of the heavens laughing at me) I know, by point of logic, that the chances of us conceiving without assistance are probably close to 1 in 5,000, if that. And I'm not even a betting girl and yet every possibility, every month still somehow breeds this completely irrational thinking that I may have in fact beaten the odds. That we have created life without the use of science is ludicrous. I hate this false expectancy and I hate the little one-lined sticks and the blunt calls from nurses telling me what I've heard so many times over. I would rather my body tell me. I would rather be done with the mind games and the what-ifs and I would like that to happen, oh, how about now? Now sounds real good.
Ok. I think I'm done ranting. I feel much better. On with the show...
On top of everything, I'm starting a new job in a few weeks and while I'm ecstatic that my commute will be shaved down from 50 minutes to 7 (yes, 7-woohoo!), I am wondering how I will fit treatment into this equation. New jobs are never very forgiving of multiple 'doctor's' appointments in the short span of 2 weeks while their perception of you is still fresh in the making, especially with a job like mine. I know it'll be worth it, but in the mean time, I have some juggling sessions ahead.
On a lighter note, I had a fantastic time camping. Despite what seems to read like a cloudy disposition up above, the trip was exactly what I needed and left me in better spirits. Our group campsite had its own beach on the lake and we spent our days floating mindlessly in it, kayaking through a nearby river, and making smores over campfire songs. It was a great group of friendly people, making me realize that I need times like that more often. I just need to make sure to create them.