Our appointment with our new RE (#3) is this Tuesday. Somehow, from somewhere, I've found that hope again. I'm actually excited and haven't felt these feelings since last summer when we started with RE #2. Oh, the possibilities! Truckloads of babies arriving on my doorstep! The cure to this pesky IF! Ok, maybe not. :) But it's nice to feel this for a change.
It's funny what motivation can do. I am someone who has always struggled with organization. Ask me where the deed to my house is or the loan paperwork for my car and I'll give you a blank stare. But ask me where all 140 pages of my fertility medical records are, and I will lead you to a neatly organized set of papers sectioned in file folders (by RE and patient). When I presented a copy of this collection to my new RE's office, I was proud. Look what I've done! Clearly I am deserving of a baby because I cared enough to gather and organize these papers! Somehow, I don't think they were that impressed.
This is something I do well: having drive, motivation, looking forward with a goal and working towards it. But I'm starting to become aware that there might come a day when I figure out that no matter how motivated I am, no matter how hard I work, the goal will not be realized. Isn't this the antithesis of America? Aren't we supposed to be able to shoot towards a goal and with a good, old fashioned rolling up of the sleeves, aren't we supposed to see that dream realized? This is the most frustrating part of IF. I've been able to work for everything else I have in my life, so I can't seem to wrap my mind around the fact that I might not be able to do the same here.
I hope that if I do need to make the decision to throw in the towel, that I have the courage to do so. I hope I am strong enough to give up on THE goal and move towards another. It's nothing I've ever known, but I suppose this entire ride is a learning curve. And then again, THE goal is actually motherhood anyway and I know, in some way, I will see this one realized.
5 comments:
hey there! Thanks for stopping by my blog... I will have to catch up on your journey as well.
1. Women reserve the right to change their mind at any time. So if I need to change my mind one day, I will. Until them, I keep my eyes on this prize.
2. I am just like you. I have a great binder. I've summarized my bloodwork over time. And I've done summaries of my cycles so that all the data is neatly on one page. Sigh. It makes me feel like I am involved in this. Instead of it just happening to me.
Thanks for your comments. Yes, 'eyes on the prize' is such a fitting statement for my current IF treatment. Perhaps I should label my records folders with this. :)
For me, one of the most frustrating things about IF is the loss of control. An IF friend once told me that she now sees long-range goals as suggestions to the universe and nothing more. I've started to take on that point of view, which is a big step for a control freak like myself. ;) I think "eyes on the prize" is a great approach right now, but I also think that knowing the "prize" is actually motherhood is important. Because that's a prize that with perseverance and hard work can be realized, even if not in the way you first intended. Good luck on Tuesday.
As a fellow infertile, and someone struggling with the motivation to keep going forward, I totally understand your logic. You need to somehow keep your eye on the prize. Personally, it has been the one thing that keeps me going, even when I have wanted to just throw in the towel.
When and if the day comes that I know it's the end of the road, I'm not sure how I will handle it. But I try to keep that thought out of my mind
Good Luck at your appt.
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