Thursday, August 21, 2008

The Return

I'm heading back to work on Monday. Being that I have summers off, the last time I saw any of my co-workers I was happily, but cautiously pregnant, just hours away from the ultrasound that would confirm what I knew somewhere deep within me to be true: my baby had, at some point in time, quietly died.

After receiving an email a few days ago from a coworker asking how my pregnancy was going, I knew I had to contact the few people I had confessed my beautiful little secret to, thus reliving everything all over again (as if my brain doesn't already have enough neural reminders). I wanted to explain to save myself the look of confusion on their face when I show up without a baby bump. The sympathetic (or awkward) smiles will be enough to deal with. I wonder that as I sit down at my desk, the place at which I first received news of my first positive beta, will it all come rushing back? As I open my laptop, will I begin to visualize the month and a half spent studying my baby's development at babycenter.com? I wonder, is it still bookmarked? I had already banished any sign that I once was pregnant from my house-the 'what to expect' book and the pregnancy journal shoved in a corner of the garage, the crib website bookmarks gone, but now as I return to work, a place that I did not have time to clean out, will it be as if it were just yesterday?

Some people dread returning to work because it's work, but I dread it because it is yet another reminder of loss. I certainly haven't been running from reminders, persay, but there is a point at which I must return to life. Thankfully, after two weeks, I will transition to a new job, a clean slate, where no one is the wiser. Unless they can read minds, they will never know where I have been and what I have lost.

7 comments:

Hope2morrow said...

What a sad post. I'm so sorry for your loss and can't imagine having to have "that" conversation with the few you told. I'm so sorry.

Lost in Space said...

I am so sorry, Shelby. I can't begin to imagine how hard this is for you. Take care of you and do whatever you need to make it through. We're here when you need us. Huge hugs.

MamaSoon said...

I hope you can get through the first 2 weeks without too many hard times. Glad to hear you have a new place to go.

g said...

i am so sorry SHelby! ((((HUGS)))) i hope the two weeks fly by without incident... You will be in your new place sooner then you think... we will be here if you need us!!

Nikki said...

Shelby I'm so sorry for your loss and that you're feeling so sad. When I went back to work after my m/c last year, I told one person (my manager) to tell the others who knew, so nobody would ask me or say anything inappropriate. It worked, and most people went about work as usual. Going back to your desk and remembering things will be hard. I had snacks etc in my drawers - I went back to work and threw everything out the first day.

We're here for you if you need to vent! And thanks for stopping by my blog! :-)

Just Me. said...

I am so so so so sorry. I wish I could go through this screan and give you a hug.

Talk to us, vent, rant! We're here for you.

((((big hugs))))

MamaSoon said...

thank you for the lovely, supportive comment. how are you doing this weekend??