Monday, August 4, 2008

Stolen Friendship

3 years ago, when the hubby and I finally decided to 'try' (charting, etc.), we made the mistake of sharing this with our hyper-fertile friends, D & H, who also began to 'try' at the same time. In fact, it almost became a pact between the four of us and in my infinite naivety, (hello, Shelby, you've been without BC for a year and nothing has happened..doesn't this tell you anything?) I was excited at the possibilities. We were sure to simultaneously share in our pregnancy woes, our kids would attend the same play group, be best buddies for life. We would weather the exciting road of parenthood, but we would all do it together.

Yeah. It didn't exactly work out that way. Little did I know that 'trying' for them meant a literal 2 weeks of unprotected sex. And trying for us would involve years of extraneous people in the room wearing lab coats. Today it's more likely that her real kids (and yes, I say kids as their second just celebrated his 1st birthday) will be more likely to babysit my hypothetical ones than actually join in the same play group one day.

Shortly after the birth of their first (which was, and I'm not kidding, almost 9 months to the day we made that pact), we grew apart. I know it was partly a difference in lifestyles and our move out of state, but I won't deny that their little ones quickly became a marked reminder of the child that I still seek after. It's funny how IF can sometimes become a tangible pain, seen in the face of a child. I'm a huge Flickr fan and post pictures there often, and there's hardly a day when I go on that I don't see a new beautiful portrait of their little boys. They have big, gorgeous eyes and smiles that reflect their happy mountain life, the same happiness I had wished for my children when we all began three years ago. Their image is always a knife in my heart, all over again. It shouldn't be, but it is.

I think of all the friends that have had children since our journey began that I've either avoided becoming close to or have grown apart from, and I am saddened. I have let IF take so much from me, not the least of which is friendship. And now I spend my days dreading to hear about the next batch of hyper-fertility cropping up in our circle of friends, so that I may sadly learn who I'll lose next. I brace myself for the next announcement. I wonder that when my child finally does arrive (however that may be), will I finally be able to see beyond this?


Hope2morrow said...

Looks like your journey has been a long one, and I'm so sorry for your pain. IF stinks, but we are learning so much from this process, including who our true friends are that can weather the storm with us. I hope we all get to slide own the rainbow together one day, including the ones intertwined in our journey and the ones who have taken time to try and understand.

Best of luck with your new RE.

Lost in Space said...

I'm so sorry you have been through so much. This journey is not an easy one and holding onto friendships can be challenging when we feel left behind. Our worlds become so different, but I find that the truest of friendships will remain and those that don't were probably ones with just some shared interests anyway.

I hope your appointment with your new RE goes great. I completely understand the organized IF records. (:

MamaSoon said...

this post is so sad and i feel the same way. a big cyber hug to you. i've been lapped twice by a few people too. :-(